In a world where raising resilient children is increasingly considered a top priority, Dr. Charles Fay offers a perspective on how to combine the principles of neuroscience with practical parenting strategies.
“We have to start with ourselves,” the child psychologist, author, CEO of The Love and Logic Institute, told Lianne Castelino during an interview for Where Parents Talk. “If we can be both strong and loving around our kids, if we can be powerful and loving parents, then the odds are very high, they’re going to become the same kind of people.”
The Foundation: Powerful and Loving Parenting
For Dr. Fay, who is also a father of three, being a “powerful” parent means setting clear limits, holding children accountable, and allowing them to solve the majority of their own problems. This approach prepares them for the real world while fostering a voice in their head that continually asks, “How’s my next choice going to affect my life and the lives of others?”
The Art of Setting Limits
Setting limits is often one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, and Dr. Fay acknowledges the common pitfalls many parents face. One of the biggest mistakes, he notes, is trying to control children’s behavior through directives. Instead of telling a child to “be respectful” or to “take out the trash,” Dr. Fay suggests framing the request in terms of what the parent will do: “I’ll be happy to take you to practice when your chores are done.” This subtle shift puts the focus on the parent’s actions rather than the child’s, reducing resistance and encouraging cooperation.
He also highlights the importance of maintaining composure in heated moments. When emotions run high, he advises parents to step back and give themselves time to cool down before addressing the issue. “Wise people take time,” he says, debunking the myth that consequences must be immediate. Instead, he encourages parents to say, “I’m too upset right now. We’ll talk about this later,” giving both parent and child space to think clearly.
Technology: The Modern Parenting Battleground
One area where setting limits has become particularly challenging is technology. Dr. Fay describes it as the “biggest challenge” for parents today, sharing his own experiences with his 17-year-old son. His approach is simple but firm: technology is allowed as long as it doesn’t harm relationships within the family. He advocates for no devices in the bedroom, drawing a powerful analogy: “How many of us would invite a stranger to hang out unsupervised in our child’s bedroom?” He acknowledges that these rules will likely be unpopular with kids, but stresses that enforcing them gives children a significant advantage in life.
Overcoming the Fear of Unpopularity
One of the most difficult aspects of setting limits is the fear of becoming unpopular with one’s children. Dr. Fay urges parents to focus on the long-term goals they have for their children rather than their immediate happiness. “What’s more important,” he asks, “that they end up being really happy with us, or that we send them out into the world as good, strong, loving, moral people?” By keeping the end goal in sight, parents can find the strength to enforce necessary boundaries, even when it means enduring short-term conflict.
The Neuroscience Behind Strong Parenting
Dr. Fay’s approach to parenting is deeply rooted in neuroscience, which he integrates into his Love and Logic method. When parents respond with empathy, he says, it helps to relax the child’s brain, engaging the frontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and impulse control. When children are presented with problems, like a parent saying “no” to a request, it stimulates neurological development, helping them learn to manage disappointment and develop self-control.
This process, he explains, is essential for building mental resilience. By repeatedly facing and overcoming small challenges, children’s brains grow stronger, better preparing them for the larger challenges they’ll face as adults. He reassures parents that they don’t need to be neuroscientists to raise mentally strong kids. By simply being effective, loving parents, they are already engaging in a powerful form of neurotherapy.
The Evolution of Parenting
Reflecting on his own experiences as a parent to children now aged 40, 30, and 17, Dr. Fay acknowledges that parenting strategies have had to evolve, particularly with the advent of technology. However, he emphasizes that the core principles remain the same: behaviours that are rewarded will be repeated. He encourages parents to rely on timeless principles—like the idea that kids should never get what they want through nasty behavior—and adapt them to modern challenges.
Empowering Parents to Take Charge
Dr. Fay’s message is clear: parents are more capable than they often realize. He urges them to take charge, to be both loving and firm, and to trust their instincts. “You’re better off going for it with a heart of love,” he says, “than sitting back thinking, ‘Oh no, I’m going to ruin my kids.'”
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