Dr. Tovah Klein has long been intrigued by the topic of resilience. Her particular fascination stemming from the impact of the parent-child bond.
“I was interested from even before I became a professional in sort of the bad things that happen to children, but also the power of the parent,” says the globally renowned child psychologist. “Even when a parent was hurting a child — in cases of abuse, severe abuse — children still call for, want and need that parent. And that was really the eye opener for me,” she told Lianne Castelino during an interview for Where Parents Talk.
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Welcome to where parents talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a professor of psychology at Barnard College in New York City, and a leading researcher in the area of child development. Dr. Tovah Klein is also director of the Barnard College, the Center for toddler development, she spent 30 years as a child psychologist, working with families of kids and teens. Her recent research has also focused on childhood trauma, including 911, and the long term impact of global instability. Dr. Klein’s latest book slated to be published in the fall of 2024 is called Raising resilience, how to help our children thrive in times of uncertainty. She’s also a mother of three. And she joins us today from Birmingham, Alabama. Thank you for being here and making time for us today.
Thank you for having me.
Really interesting subject matter because it is so timely and so relevant. When we talk about trauma and what kids and certainly adults are exposed to increasingly it feels like today, what specifically led you to sort of adding this piece of childhood trauma to your area of expertise and research? And its impact on the parent child relationship?
Yeah, well, actually, it’s, it’s, I have to go backwards. Because it’s where I started my career and my work with children long ago, I actually write about this in my new book, because I was interested from even before I became a professional, in sort of the bad things that happen to children, but also the power of the parent, that even when a parent was hurting a child, it’s such as in cases of abuse, severe abuse, children still call for want in need that parent. And that was really the eye opener for me of, Wow, what is it about that relationship that’s so powerful, and important. And also, what is it that allows children to thrive in spite of really bad things happening, and that always gets back to a positive secure relationship with an adult, it can be parents could be grandparents, it could be some other important caregiver in their life, but that there’s this need for stability in that relationship to help them either overcome and develop that resilience. So in other words, my interest so long has been this idea that when bad things happen, it doesn’t have to be a lifelong scar. And then the question is, so what is it that either buffers them from the harm to begin with? Where we can bring in to help them recover? So it’s a very optimistic view of Yes, bad things happen all the time, unfortunately? And yet, what can we do to support children and parents and children to thrive?
Very important background that you’ve just provided and context. So take us through then what you sort of used as your approach in writing this book, like what catastrophic events what destabilizing realities that we’re all sort of living through, whether it’s 911, or geopolitical unrest, you know, the economy, etc. Did you look at in the course of writing this book?
Yes. So I studied a group of children after 911. These were young children, who had been direct witness to the World Trade Center attacks. So these are children living downtown or living in Brooklyn. And we did a study of parents and children. I did this with a colleague, Ellen DeVoe, who’s now in Boston, but was in New York at the time. And we were there to gather, really trying to understand how what was the impact? So what was the mental health impact? And also the narratives? How did young children in particular come to understand what they had witnessed, and this was in the year following the attacks. And we had also done interviews with parents starting six weeks after the World Trade Center attacks. So that was like the first big kind of population, why you could say, certainly a global event, but very much New York City event. And prior to that, I had done a lot of work with children, Pediatric AIDS. There were many, many cases while I was in graduate school, and then when I came out of graduate school, so I was working with families and children who were dealing with at the time was really a life shortening disease, so a mother would have it or both parents would have it and then the child would be born with it and then would be growing up with it. But there was no cure at the time there was nothing to prolong really life. And so that also became very interesting for me like how do people deal with both chronic and fatal illness or accidents. And so I started putting this all together. And then prior to that I had worked with families in done a study, again, in New York City, where I was of families who are living in homeless shelters, so primarily mothers, because that’s who they allowed in these, what they called family shelters, that were really horrific places until the city and I think the federal government poured money into supportive housing. And again, I kept seeing mothers in these horrendous situations who were able to protect children. Against all odds, really. And each of these pieces said to me, these are terrible things that shouldn’t happen to children or families, whether it’s illness accident, World Trade Center, and yet what’s buffering, so many of them, and what is a parent doing, because of I could understand that, that’s a place that we could intervene. And so that’s really what propelled me into my life work that always toggles between trauma and devastating things, because that happens in people’s lives. There’s uncertainty, and then uncertainty of everyday life. And so that’s what really led to this book is that I had been doing work with families and children, starting out with young children, and then older children, and then teens, and always with the parents. And so a number of years ago, I thought, you know, parenting is about uncertainty. That’s what we know from research. That’s what I then knew, from a lot of experience. How do I help parents understand that what they’re doing every single day in their relationship with their child is actually going to be their buffer when the really bad things happen. And so that got me interested in this concept of uncertainty. And then COVID happened. And so I’ve been mulling over ideas and writing up ideas and thought, oh, this seems very uncertain to me that none of us knew where we were going when it started. And that’s what really led me to write this book to say, I can really meld what I know what we know about trauma, and the aftermath, and how to help children recover and bounce back and become resilient in time. And what parents are doing every single day, because every single day, I’m going to call them smaller, bad things happen, or they’re tough moments or children are disappointed, you know, the they’re ghosted by their friend or the, you know, the friend they wanted to play with that day doesn’t show up at school, you know, parents suddenly has to go on a business trip. So there’s always uncertainty, and we’re always helping children develop what we call resilience.
It’s so interesting to hear you say that parenting is about uncertainty, because that might actually catch a lot of parents off guard. I don’t know that we actively or intentionally think about parenting that way. So what exactly do you mean by that? Because I think it’s a really important point.
Yeah. So we think about, you know, we become, we get prepared to become a parent. And many people read or talk to our elders or community and say, like, you know, what do I need to know? And how do you do this. And even when I teach, I teach at Barnard College, they have Barnard and Columbia students. When I teach developmental courses, we teach it as if development is going to be one step at a time, you know, these things happen. And here’s, and yet, it’s much more nuanced than that. And being a parent is to you, honestly, they hand you this baby. And every baby is different from the moment they hand them to you, or the moments, let’s say you adopt a child, they’re different because of what they bring into the world. And then we’re going to nurture them and love them and sort of mold them and in a back and forth in a relationship. But you really don’t know who that child is, that’s uncertain how they’re going to react today, you don’t really know who’s coming down the steps when you’re, you know, five year old wakes up or your 12 year old wakes up. And then different things are gonna happen to them every day, you might, you know, pack their lunch and help them get their backpack together and send them to school. But there may be some unpredictable things that happen, including, you know, a sudden fire alarm goes off. And at home, we have the same thing. And then we have our lives which are uncertain. So people lose jobs or there’s new work stress, or I’m at home and I have a day planned, and I can’t get the tasks done that I told my child I was gonna get done. You know, a grandparent gets sick. There’s all of these Things that happen. And then you have that really broad layer of the world. Like, I mean, maybe somebody out there was predicting COVID. But for the most part, even as it was coming, most of us weren’t thinking, Oh, we’re about to go into a shutdown for many months, and then a pandemic that will last several years. So all of these pieces are uncertain, but they don’t have to derail us. And that’s really what became my interest of. So what is resilience? What are the factors we need to get there? And resilience is really about something that we need to face uncertainty, whether it’s kind of the smaller uncertainty or the bigger, which is, how do we help children learn to adapt and adjust and be flexible, which is a process that happens over time. And that’s kind of the counter. Yeah, the counter to uncertainty, but also how we help them and ourselves, which is the really important piece, handle the unpredictability and uncertainty of life.
It’s interesting, because for adults, so much of what has happened, the events that you outlined, are hard for adults to comprehend. So is it reasonable for us to think that as parents, we can equip our children, however young, they are, up to teens, etc, with what they need in their toolkit to address these uncertain, volatile events, devastating events, with certainty with optimism, through resilience?
Yeah, I like your question. So it’s certainly possible because that’s what the parent child relationship does, it gives children a grounding in, I’m not alone. It builds security, you know, the back and forth of I’m going to be here for you, I’m going to tell you, when things are hard, and I’m going to help you through it is what keeps them building their ability to then say, I’m not alone, I’m going to be okay. And I can handle this, depending on their age, if they’re very young, with a parent at my side, as they get older, with a parent I can trust to be there for me when they when I need them. And I can take that inner trust forward. One of the things I write about in the book are these five pillars. Not that they’re in any order, because they’re all pieces of what’s developing within the child. But what I call the fifth pillar, but in many ways could be the first is this self acceptance that builds in the child from the trust in the parent, the trust the parent, instills in them becomes inner trust, I can trust myself, I can accept myself, that’s where a lot of children’s strength comes from, so that they can face the hard things every day. One of the I think, misnomers that we all go into being a parent with is that our role is to make our children happy. And I’ve said this, I feel like for 30 years now, it’s actually not like children know how to be happy, you know, there’s so much joy, even in hardship, to be happy, our role is to help them through the really tough stuff. So the negative emotions, how to handle those negative emotions, which again, is a process over time, how to build trust in the parent, which then becomes trust in other people, so peers, other adults, so as they move more independently in the world, they carry this with them. They’re literally taking the parent child relationship into themselves and moving it out in the world. And that’s where the resilience comes from. You know, in psychology, we call it internalization. So internalizing that security and trust then becomes, I can go out and explore the world and become more independent, because I trust someone to help me but also I learned to trust myself. And that’s the core of resilience.
When you talk about the different elements that you discovered through, you know, speaking with the participants that you talked about, looking at all those events that you outlined, and by the way, very stark, life circumstances right with, you know, mothers with AIDS and mothers with children living in homeless shelters, etc, etc. Around the trauma piece. Like what did you discover that really struck you? That perhaps is now included in your upcoming book?
Yeah. I in a sort of packaged way, right. When parents are able to handle themselves first, even fee With very difficult situations that gets communicated to the child, I’m going to take care of you, I can handle this. One of the examples in the book is of a father driving his child to safety through some raging wildfires out west a number of years ago. And the children were literally like, a, okay once they got reunited mommy, daddy children. And the father was quite rattled and traumatized weeks later, understandably, he’s driving through fire on both sides. But what he did was started to sing songs with them. And then one of the children wanted to sing about colors, because the fires as the Father described them were raging in different, you know, red, yellow, orange, and I asked him, How did you keep so calm through all of that, and he said, I knew the danger, but I knew we had to get out of there. And I knew that I had to help the children feel safe, so I could get them to safety. That I think is what parents do. It’s an incredible story. But that’s what parents do when they’re facing life threatening situations, just chronic hard situations, when they’re given the support, or they’re bringing with them the wherewithal that they’ve gotten from their own relationships or their own reflections. So a big part of my book is around Who are you, the parent, I call it the U factor. So the parent reading this can reflect on themselves. Because being the the core and the Center for a child is a lot for any of us as parents, and we have to do that work on ourselves. That’s how we become the buffer for our children. So when parents are buffers, even in really stressful situations, or traumatic situations, that’s what protects the child in the long run. Even if, right away, there’s going to be impact. In the long run, the child will be okay.
In your experience with the children and families that you work with, when you talk about parents having to look at themselves first. Can you give us examples of what that might include?
So often that’s looking at what, what do I bring to this relationship of being a parent, we’re all human, every mother father out there as a human being. So that’s really reflecting on our past, from what good things did I have as a child, you know, who then grew up that I want to give to my own child? And also, what didn’t I have either what pieces were missing? Or what bad things happened? You know, drive parents who are harsh, did I have abuse? Or did I just have pieces, like not the most connected, not the most caring, so really reflecting back on what the parent brings with them, which can be hard, and it makes us very vulnerable, often ashamed, as if that child years ago who was hurt by a parent or hurt by life was responsible, which they weren’t. And then coming to terms with, okay, that happened to me, I don’t want that for my child. And it is possible to change. And we know that from years of research that was actually part of my own dissertation, you know, 30 plus years ago in graduate school. So what does the parent bring? How can we become aware self awareness is the first piece that happened, I don’t want that for my child. And I have examples in there, as you know, of parents saying, Whoa, why did I react this way? To my child? I don’t want to do that again. And that’s the beginning of work around okay. You don’t want to do that? Where is it coming from? What do you want to change?
So then, how do we go about as parents, and let’s focus on the tween and teens and adolescent age group for a minute, because that age group, obviously, there’s a lot going on there? How do we go about using proven tips and strategies to raise resilience?
So here’s the nice thing about the the tweens and the teens of them getting older because yes, it’s a challenging time because they’re starting to say, again, as they’ve said, when they retire, who am I and I need to define myself. And I often that age group will push parents away just when they need them to stay close. So it’s back and forth again. So the first thing I say to parents is you have to do work not to take that personally, because often we feel terrible. Why don’t you like me? Why don’t you want to be with me? Why are you putting me down? In the way to help teenagers become resilient is number one, listen to that, you know, we often want to teach or give lessons or punish. Listening to that age group, middle middle schoolers, high schools, high schoolers goes a long way. And says to them, I value you, I value your opinion. And then they ask them, let’s say they come home with a problem. Often they want to vent venting is a big thing for children and are a really big thing as they get older. So listening to them, letting them bent, and then asking in whatever way feels right to a parent. Do you want some help with that? Or do you want me to listen? And it can move from really wanting you to listen to like, Yes, I need help. What do I tell my friend? Or why did she do this to me, right, because teenagers take things very personally, too. So it’s often giving advice that’s been agreed upon with a teenager, I think we tend to discount our young people as they’re moving towards adulthood, but they’re not yet adults. And they need a lot of explicit help, sometimes from us, but we don’t value their opinion enough. So when we come together and say, I’m wondering what you’re thinking is a good idea, do you want to hear what I’m thinking is a good idea. So that’s one piece, the other piece, I would say is bad things happen in the world all the time, unfortunately, and are going to continue to. So when we give our children, your teen children explanations for them, and listen to what they’re thinking what they’re worried about, it’s going to be very different than what a parent is worried about. And then saying to them, these are your worries, let’s talk about them. But also, let’s talk about what really happened in that horrible incident, whether it was in your town, or in this country, or in the world that they want to talk about. So some of it is listening. Some of it is what we call scaffolding. And then some of it is problems, problem solving with them, not leaving them out of that not lecturing them, no one wants to be lectured. They don’t hear you.
And it’s an important point. And I wonder if, you know, making the point to by reverse engineering it to say, what is the short, medium long term impact on a child on teen of not addressing the traumas in the world? excetera. And I’m not sure if your research touched on that. But maybe that’s a way of sort of, because we’re not all researching this like yourself, but for the average parent like me kind of looking at it to say like, if I don’t make this a priority, what could happen?
Yeah, I think it’s an important question, especially because teenagers in particular, are inundated with information we all are. But certainly by that age, they have access to unbelievable amounts of information. And so checking in even with a child was not a talker, like we always think it’s about talking. Sometimes it’s just about being there. You know, I heard what happened at your high school today. And it sounds kind of scary. I’m here for you, or do you want to talk about what happened? or some version of I can tell you what the principal sent me in the email? And then why don’t you tell me what you know, if you want to, so addressing the close in incidents and the faraway incidents. So it’s not just the research, but I think the experience of when we’re quiet or silent, it’s very scary. Something bad happened. I heard about it from a friend. And now I go home. And I have parents who aren’t saying anything. Oh, what does that mean? So the importance of putting it out there to say, I’m not sure if you saw what happened, or I’ve been reading about the war, or the protests, or whatever it is, that’s on your mind says to the child, who’s now a teenager, I am here and I’m not afraid of what you might bring to me. I’m okay, discussing whatever you want to discuss. Which again, means doing a lot of work on ourselves as parents, because it’s often the parent who understandably, we don’t want to talk about a lot of this stuff. And if that message is given to the child, then they’re going to go either hide from it as well or get information from friends and others who may not be the most reliable sources in that that can become problematic. So it’s better to keep this open dialogue which comes through listening it gets back to this idea of listening because When children feel like they’re not heard those teenagers, they just say, Forget it. No, I don’t want to talk to you about that. And I don’t want to hear what you have to say. But when they say, Oh, you value me, and I can trust that you’re going to help me when I’m really scared, they’re going to be more open.
Let’s dig a little deeper into resilience. And the fact of the matter is, is that resilience is a buzzword today, and has been for the last number of years. Some researchers and others would even argue that perhaps it’s misused, overused, abused, how do you define resilience? And in the context of your book, what is the message that you want parents or readers of the book to receive about raising resilience?
So I agree, I think resilience is a buzzword. And I will tell you that when I started writing this, I was like, Oh, how did I write this without using the word resilience? Because it’s so overused. But what what I got back to is, I really wanted to speak to parents about how do you raise a decent human being one who can care about themselves and care about others be confident in themselves and want to be generous towards others. So it’s both. And that gets to how do I handle the tough stuff in life, the hurdles, the adversities, and that’s the role of the parent again. So adverse adversity, resilience is the ability to handle the tough parts of life, the ability to adapt, to adjust and face, what is going to come into your life, which are those uncertain things, you don’t know what they are. But the resilience pieces, I can face them, I’m not alone. I can adapt, you know, we may have to flee an earthquake, but I with family who can help me adapt a new place. So that raising resilience is helping children feel safe, be able to adjust and adapt and learn to be flexible, even when it’s hard. And so those are the pieces that make up resilience, it’s related to stress. And stress is related to trauma. It’s also the message I want parents to have, excuse me, is that they’re building resilience every single day, on the most mundane day, the nicest day of their life, the most boring day with their child, if there’s such a thing. They’re building that everyday through their interactions, and all of the mishaps, the little mishaps, oh, we don’t have Cheerios, I did say I was gonna get them at the store. It is disappointing that we’re not going where we said we were going today. Any of those mishaps give parents a chance to come back and reconnect and repair with your child. All of that is building what we call resilience. It’s saying, sometimes things go wrong, I can help you through it. And then we can keep moving forward. And that’s an everyday process that gets highlighted when really bad things happen. And your resilience shows through. But it’s developing all along the way. And that’s what I want parents to know. It’s not something you wait for. They’re doing it and they don’t know they’re doing it. They’re already doing it all the time.
In your book, raising resilience, you also talk about emotional intelligence, cognitive flexibility, and social know how can you take us briefly through why each of these elements is important for parents to know about and certainly for them to teach their kids about?
Yeah. So you know that emotional intelligence is this idea that children in time, learn what their emotions are become more self aware, when it comes to emotions. Parents are a key player in this because you help your young child and then your older child who then becomes a teenager, learn to handle those emotions. It’s what we call emotion regulation, that process of first doing it right alongside them, calming them down from tantrums, labeling emotions, then becomes the child, eventually being able to do it for themselves. That means they can read other people’s emotions, and they can become empathic. Oh, this is a person in need, I can see that she’s upset, I can see that he needs help. So that’s emotional intelligence. And we know that that maps on to all kinds of success measures from academics, to peers to life. And then the cognitive flexibility which is a tough one for children and for teenagers, by the way, Is this ability to say, Okay, I had a plan, and that’s not going to happen. So what can I do differently? And you know, that starts off with like, I’m building a tower and it falls down and I’m four years old, do I want to walk away from it, which is a good option? Do I want to rebuild it, which is an equally good option. So the ability to adjust, and then as children get older, the plans changed. My friend called and said, We’re not going to the movies tonight. You know, the high school social got moved to another day, and I can’t make it whatever it is, that ability to then say, That’s disappointing. I can handle this is the cognitive flexibility that every child needs and gets built again, over time, parents have to have it too. And then was the third one you are asking about?
Social know-how.
Yes, social no how so that goes with the emotion regulation, the cognitive flexibility is this ability to relate to others. Because there’s a lot of reading of social cues, and children start off, not so good at that. But you’re doing it with your child every day and the back and forth of your relationship, you’re reading them, I see you’re really disappointed. Let’s see if we can figure this out. That then becomes I can understand other people, I can learn to get along with other people, even when it’s tough. And that moves into peer relations relationship with teachers with other adults in their life, and that those social emotional domains, which are often called unfortunately, soft, soft skills, in the research in the education field, I’ve always saying no, these are the real skills, I don’t think we need to call them hard. These are real skills, because being able to go get along with people handle your emotions, and be able to adjust what we call cognitive flexibility, but adjust and adapt. We know from research, that that’s what predicts success. For children, not IQ, not a well they did on yesterday’s test. If these other pieces then combined with the ability to function in a group that allows them to learn every day in school, even if they don’t love what’s going on, that then maps on to success. So these are really important life skills, because they’re about humaneness. They’re about people. And ultimately, that’s what we need in life is connecting to others and accepting ourselves.
Dr. Klein, you have three children of your own in their 20s. And I’m curious as to how you’ve gone about with all of the knowledge and expertise you have, in addition to being a parent yourself, how have you gone about navigating the societal traumas that we’re seeing, you know, raising resilience in your own family?
So it’s a good question. I have three young men at this point. And they’re all so different, right? They’re all male. And for years, people would say to me, Oh, you have three boys as if they were all the same, they could not be more different. The piece that I’ve honed in on is, you can ask me anything. And I’ll try to either discuss it, answer it, tell you what I know, or figure it out with you. It was particularly as I’ve gotten older, is one and two, as I’ve really had to hone my own listening skills mean, the world throws a lot at us. And I often want to give my opinion, but what I have to do is first hear their opinions, and their struggles and their worries and their challenges. So listening first, and each of my children wants to be listened to differently and each wants to discuss differently. For you know, for one of them, it’s really just kind of hanging out and then casually bringing up something on his mind and other ones very direct. So really learning who each one is over their life course, that nuance is so important for a parent, and it can be a challenge for me as well as any other parent. So I think it’s the listening piece, really understanding who each child is as best I can, and then trying to be in that listening position that they want me to be so that they can open up and then ask me questions and not be afraid to ask me something. Because the world is complicated. Their lives are complicated, and their struggles are complicated. And I My hope is that they feel comfortable coming either to me or their dad or another trusted adult but to one of us to say hey, I’m struggling. I have some questions. You know, can we talk about it?
Dr.Tovah Klein, so many important messages. The book is called Raising resilience We so appreciate your time and your thoughts today thank you so much.
thank you
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Through her research, including studies on children affected by 9/11, families living in shelters and those affected by childhood trauma, Dr. Klein, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Toddler Development at Barnard College in New York City, has consistently observed the power of a secure relationship with a caregiver. “Even in cases of severe trauma, like abuse or homelessness, children thrive when they have a stable, supportive adult in their lives,” she says. This stability builds trust, which becomes the foundation for resilience.
In her latest book, Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty, Dr. Klein, a mother of three, provides a roadmap for parents to nurture resilience in their children, equipping them to adapt and thrive amidst life’s unpredictability.
“Parenting is about uncertainty,” she says, highlighting that each day presents challenges, both big and small. From childhood disappointments to global crises, a strong parent-child bond can act as a buffer against the impact of stress and uncertainty.
Building Resilience Through Everyday Moments
Dr. Klein reframes resilience not as a lofty goal but as something developed daily through small interactions. She identifies three pillars that parents can nurture:
- Emotional Intelligence: Teaching children to label and manage emotions builds empathy and confidence. Simple practices like acknowledging feelings—“I see you’re upset”—lay a strong foundation.
- Cognitive Flexibility: Adapting to change starts with handling small disappointments, like a broken toy, and grows into managing larger challenges.
- Social Skills: Developing interpersonal skills equips children to build relationships, collaborate, and navigate social dynamics with confidence.
She highlights everyday moments—like dealing with disappointment or adapting to change—as critical opportunities to build resilience — which itself is further bolstered by five overarching pillars from her extensive research:
Five Pillars of Resilience
In her book, Dr. Klein outlines five pillars of resilience that parents can nurture in their children:
- Self-Acceptance: A cornerstone of resilience that stems from trust in caregivers, which children internalize as trust in themselves.
- Emotional Regulation: Teaching children to navigate negative emotions is critical for long-term well-being.
- Adaptability: Life is unpredictable, and helping children adjust to change is essential.
- Support Systems: Building trust in peers and other adults extends the sense of security beyond the parent-child relationship.
- Optimism: Fostering a positive outlook equips children to face challenges with confidence.
She underscores these pillars develop over time through everyday interactions. “Our role as parents is not to make our children happy but to help them manage the tough stuff,” she notes.
For her resilience isn’t just about bouncing back—it’s about the ability to adapt, adjust, and maintain a sense of security in the face of ongoing change.
“Uncertainty doesn’t have to derail us,” she explains. “By teaching children to trust themselves and others, we give them the tools to handle unpredictability with confidence and adaptability.”
Lessons from Trauma
Dr. Klein’s early work with families dealing with pediatric AIDS and 9/11 survivors provide insight into resilience.
She recounts observing young children who directly witnessed the World Trade Center attacks, noting how their understanding of events—and their ability to recover—was deeply influenced by their parents’ responses.
“Children don’t have to carry lifelong scars from trauma,” she says. “A secure relationship with a parent or caregiver can buffer them, helping them to recover and thrive.”
The Parent-Child Connection: The Foundation of Resilience
Central to Dr. Klein’s philosophy is the “U-Factor”—the idea that resilience begins with parents themselves. By reflecting on their own strengths, weaknesses, and childhood experiences, parents create a stable and nurturing environment for their children.
“Parents are the core and centre for a child,” she says. “When parents can handle themselves in difficult situations, it communicates to the child: ‘I can take care of you; I can handle this.’”
This principle is illustrated by a father who calmed his children during a wildfire by singing songs as he drove them to safety. His composure became their emotional anchor during the crisis.
Listening Over Lecturing: Tweens and Teens
For parents of tweens and teens, a key strategy is listening rather than lecturing. Adolescence is a time of intense self-discovery, and teens need parents who validate their emotions and collaborate on solutions.
Dr. Klein advises:
- Validate feelings: Let teens vent without jumping to solutions
- Ask what they need: Offer advice only if they seek it
- Discuss challenges openly: Address societal or personal issues head-on, as silence can lead teens to unreliable sources of information
Raising Resilience: Over the Long-term
Dr. Klein’s message: resilience is a lifelong skill cultivated through everyday experiences. Parenting with self-awareness, vulnerability, and open communication helps children thrive in an unpredictable world.
“It’s not about making children happy all the time,” she says, “but helping them navigate the tough stuff and showing them: ‘Sometimes things go wrong, but we can handle it together.’”
By focusing on connection, adaptability, and emotional growth, Dr. Klein says parents can raise children who are not only resilient but empathetic, adaptable, and ready to contribute to a better world.
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