Unlocking Teen Potential: Self-Regulation as a Superpower

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Welcome to the Where Parents Talk podcast. We help grow better parents through science, evidence and the lived experience of other parents.

Learn how to better navigate the mental and physical health of your tween teen or young adult through proven expert advice. Here's your host, Lianne Castelino.

Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Leanne Castellino. Our guest today is a psychologist and a former college professor. Dr. Kathy Wu is also a first time author.

Her book is called the Self Regulation Handbook for Teens and Young Adults Created to support kids 15 to 21 years old. Dr. Wu joins us today from Houston, Texas. Thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you so much for having me.

It would seem to me that the words self regulation is something we seem to be talking about more and more, whether it relates to parents or kids, just in general terms. You call self regulation a superpower for teens. Why is that?

That's a really good question.

I think that self regulation is something that permeates all the aspects of a teens or young adults development and it is a superpower for power because it pretty much touches the emotional, the social, the academic and even physical aspects of their lives. It's the skill that helps them really pause before they react, reflect before they speak. Right. Or persist when things get really hard.

And in the world that we live in today, full of distractions, stress, constant stimulation, the ability to manage one's inner world is more essential than ever. So it protects mental health, improves relationships and they build confidence.

So when you talk about that as sort of the overarching piece around self regulation, could you give us examples in terms of how that manifests in a teen's life on the day to day and what a parent could be looking for in that respect?

Well, when we find a teen who is self regulated, who is really engaged in life in a really intentional way, we see them as just really calm, cool and collected to be exact. Right. We don't necessarily see them in a way where they're procrastinating on various activities.

We don't see them really having very high emotionality that might look like anger or frustration or agitation. We might see them being really active in thinking through on why am I feeling this way, why am I thinking this way, why am I behaving this way?

So they're really inquisitive. They tend to be very, very much, you know, just, just really present.

And when we don't see those things in all the ways in which we think about the opposites, that's when we need to be really Aware as parents to be able to help them really better articulate their emotions, to really be more thorough and thoughtful in how it is that they're engaging in the world. So this just looks different for every child and every teen or young adult.

But I think what you'll see is just, well, it'll feel different to be around them, you know, to be self regulated. Even as adults, we feel differently too.

So as mentioned, you are a psychologist, you're an educator, you're also a parent of a young child. You chose to focus your first book on the 50 to 21 year old age group. Why that age group specifically?

Well, it was sort of dictated by our publishers who tend to work with this population. But it's also, it just happens to be the population I work most with in my clinical practice.

And I find that this group of, of individuals tend to be very much, you know, primed and ready to, to develop skill are necessary for their successful induction into full blown adulthood. And they are really malleable at this age. They are really, really thoughtful about who it is that they want to become.

And so my take on this is if they are ready to partake on some challenging work, we might as well load them up with as many skills as possible.

So the book is intended to be not a one one stop shop necessarily, but one of their first places to go if they feel that they have some inquiries into some, some challenges they might be having that they're maybe not as ready to talk to someone about.

So the idea is to have something that is accessible, that gives them a little bit more of a sense of this is normal, you know, and we want to be able to, you know, pose questions for them that will allow for them to open up the conversation further with others, including their parents.

You took nine months or more to write this book, roughly.

And you know, I'm curious as to what your approach to writing this book was in terms of who you spoke to and sort of how did you take that information and you know, come to the, to the finished product?

Yeah, it happened in a really organic way. My first approach was actually on a plane ride back from, from the Northeast, where my family is from.

And I just brainstormed all of the challenges that I have been seeing with my clients.

And coming from a systems perspective, which is some of the theoretical orientation that I draw from, I started to just brainstorm, you know, all the layers to, to who we are and how we are being affected. So using this ecological model, systems model, I just started brainstorming and then from There.

So I was able to break down some of the concepts that, or issues that I have sort of more or less seeing over and over again with the clientele that I work with.

And then I started noticing categorizations of things that are more systems or more systems based on the level of individual, more on interpersonal, and then what actually happens outside of our individual control.

And from there I started to sort of, in a very subtle way through my clients, you know, ask exactly what it is that they might want to see in a book or what they would like to have at their disposal when they can't access me.

So there was some, some sort of, you know, surveying of sorts in a very sort of naturalistic way in times in which I was still sort of coming up with the core outline. And then I worked every evening for the nine months, so after our baby was tucked away and on weekends such.

So it was certainly a labor of love and I'm really proud of the outcome because it was very much informed by the work that I do.

So on that note, take us through some of the trends that you've noticed with your own patient population and your clients in terms of how the youth that you're seeing, like what kind of trends you're seeing with them as well as their parents by the time they come to you.

Yeah, well, one trend that is really, I think, encouraging for a psychologist is that the clients that are coming in are already ready to do the work, meaning their capacity for self expression is actually higher than what I've noted for older populations.

And also when I was a young teen, there is just so much, so, so much depth already to, to how it is that they're understanding themselves in the world.

And it's really, really encouraging and, and that has really allowed for them to talk about these issues that are very common, so anxiety, depression, burnout, perfectionism, neurodiversity, being able to sort of understand that the ways that they think actually is quite different from their peers, you know, in some cases, especially in the academic spaces, talking about anger in ways that is really sort of, is very nuanced. Right. But also what we've noted is that they are dealing with things that are incredibly prescient to who they are in their generation today.

And that is the effects of media, you know, social media in particular, of behavioral addiction to technology or to various self soothing principles like shopping or eating, certain things, et cetera. But also they're responding to their environment in very sensitive ways.

So politics become topics of conversation quite often as well as Environmental impact, you know, with a lot of just extreme weather patterns.

We I noted in my book that I was in session one time with a client and they had an earthquake in their, in their environment and you know, cities away. Was able to help to, to really self regulate myself as well as them.

But yeah, these things are hard to ignore and they are coming up into in our conversations and before even parents recognize it. And oftentimes when parents do become aware, they are great resources for me and as well as for, of course, for the teen.

But because my sessions are very much specific to the teen in the ways in which I do individual therapy, there's a lot of attempts on my end to encourage them to have these really hard conversations with them as well.

And that includes giving them tools to be able to bring down the frustrations and the anger and the agitation and to be able to have really good quality conversations with their, their parents about things that they are dealing with that are sometimes really wholly unexpected because their parents are not teens today.

You know, it's so interesting because when you talk about some of those themes, certainly it's a long list if we're talking about where we are today in the world, it is often anxiety producing for adults, never mind for kids and emerging adults. Are there certain themes in there that are commonly misunderstood by parents as it relates to their teen?

Yeah, I think that we can maybe take any of these. But I think around technology, it's certainly something that many parents struggle with in terms of understanding their child's relationship to it.

Oftentimes technology is seen by parents as just a privilege. Right. That teens have to be able to earn and to maintain.

And oftentimes technology can be a lifeline for many of their children and their teens in particular, because it is their window to socialization and it's their opportunity to learn more about what's going on beyond just their immediate vicinity.

And I think that we as parents and as adults have misconceptions about what the relationship that our teens have to technology in ways that shuts themselves out from conversation with their teens by saying, get off your screen, this is too much. You need to focus your attention at the dinner table, et cetera, as a mechanism of almost controlling for outside forces.

When these relationships that teens have to technology can be incredibly conducive to their growth. One of the the main aspects of being able to relate better is to be able to use the tools you have and technology.

Something that you cannot sort of dismiss as a tool that teens use and therefore that, that parents can benefit from as well.

So on that note, then how can a parent proactively, you know, nurture self regulation in that teen when it comes to technology?

Yeah, I think that it is certainly something that parents can model that type of behavior so long as you have some greater control over your overexposure, say to certain media or that you are critically at analyzing the information that you're getting from the technologies from some of these sources.

That if you are able to have a, a more supportive relationship with technology yourself, then it is, it's a better entree into developing better relationships or understanding of your teens and their usage of technology. So I always say start with yourself before you can espouse any, any advice to teens.

And I oftentimes, you know, talk about ways in which I have some maybe not so helpful relationships to technology and what I do with that as well and how overexposure after the time that you should be going to sleep doesn't set you up for success for the next day. Things of that nature.

I think that with social media usage, with all nighter access to, to technology, you know, so long as it's, you know that there are sort of manifestations of sort of loss of control, you know, of your use of the technology, you, you know that it, it is a conversation to be had when we.

Talk about the clients. You see, you described the teens and some of the trends.

How about the parents of those teens and some of the trends that you may be witnessing from them? Even if it is, for example as you point out, role modeling. Any other trends that you're seeing with respect to self regulation of these young.

People with regards to parents?

I think that it's, it's really interesting because you know, we have these really descriptive sort of models of parenting that have that, that we have seen over the years, right? Things like helicopter parenting or lawnmower parenting. I, I'm not going to define them. I'm sure you've all heard many of these.

And then there is sort of, you know, the, the most recent is the fafo, right. So you know, you, you can sort of assess from that as to how it is that sometimes we tend to generalize what parenting is.

We as parents sort of relay or relate to these sort of models of how to navigate through the changes and the development that our children are going through. And what I would say to that is don't do that. Get. Use that as, use those models as guides, but not as sort of as prescriptions for how it is.

You should relate to your own children. Get to know your children as though they are the most important people in the world. Be curious with them, right?

Have as many different, you know, just ways in which you could relate to them as ever changing, dynamic people. And I think that oftentimes can really engender some really important conversations with your teens and allow for vulnerability on both sides.

So trends are great, but they're not going to be ones that can help dictate how it is that you relate to your child, because your child is unique and special in their own way.

Now, in your clinical practice, you deploy cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy, and you also deploy dialectical behavior therapy, dbt. Could you first of all define each of those for our audience and then get into some of the techniques from each that parents could consider?

Okay, so one of my go to favorite modalities is cbt. And it is a way by which we understand that individuals function within the system of our thoughts, our behaviors, as well as our cognitions.

The idea with CBT is that our cognitions, or the ways we think about the world, our automatic responses and thoughts, the way we talk to ourselves, really can generate different emotional responses as well as behaviors. I think that's a simplified.

Simplified version to describe how it is that we, in our complexities, oftentimes sort of work off of each other in terms of the different components of us. And so if we change one thing, we can change others, the other parts.

And if one part is affected in a negative way, we can be expected that other parts will be affected negatively. One of my favorite techniques from CBT is just being able to use a thought log, right?

A thought log is one where we are able to capture the thoughts that are sometimes passively going through and also intrusively going through our minds.

Writing down a stressful thought, for instance, and what the emotional trigger was, what emotion was triggered, and really coming up with ways in which we can, through our behaviors or our reframing, you know, come up with more balanced ways of. Of relating to a situation. So the thought log really teaches teens and people in general to notice their own inner dialogue.

You know, when we are being less compassionate with ourselves, we are maybe going to generate more anxious feelings, right? And so how can we be more deliberate in how it is that we relate to ourselves? Is a. Is just a manifestation of.

Of being able to know more about what it is that's happening and slowing things down for ourselves. So. So that's dbt. Dbt.

Dialectical Behavioral therapy is this idea that we have lots of different belief systems and different Thought patterns and that we can have a lot of co opposites exist at the same time. I can love myself and I can hate myself at the same time.

Or this idea that we have a lot of ways in which our body responses can be as a result of this idea that ambiguity or when there's uncertainty in the world can really cause us to go into fight, flight, freeze mode without even recognizing has various parts or myriad of functions.

And some of the different interventions include interpersonal effectiveness, being able to use mindfulness practices and more and more other more specific ones. One that I use, I guess I think I emphasize in the book is called the TIP skill, the TIPP skill.

And it means temperature, intense exercise, pace, breathing as well as progressive muscle relaxation.

So what this does is allow for us to take control of our body responses to stress and in the immediacy allow us to really calm our nervous system down when we're having maybe an emotional storm or a freak out.

So DBT as well as CBT are strategies that have really just evidence based for being able to manage ourselves in the moment while allowing for us to achieve our long term goals.

That's really interesting. And when you lay it out, it just makes perfect sense with respect to the thought log and writing these things down.

Because when you write it, you see it differently, it's captured in a different way and certainly with DBT as well. What are some practical ways, Dr. Roux, that you could suggest for families to practice and to model healthy coping together?

So parent and adolescent.

Yeah, I think that it is important for us to make time for it first and foremost. Right.

Sometimes when we're in the throes of our day to day tasks and routines and we don't make room for connecting with each other or to really pause and look at our own emotional stuff, right. It can really begin to, to be dismissed and, or, or devalued as important. And as a result things begin to sort of accumulate.

Just because we ignore our feelings, it doesn't mean it just goes away. We have to of course, course attentively, better understand and access them.

So in the same spirit of really modeling for your teen or your young adult what to do, parents can really start by regulating their own tone or expectations, right. And teens can really sense when a conversation is loaded with anxiety and or judgment. Right.

So being able to be really open to conversation, listen, right.

Be attentive, ask follow up questions, have conversations that are really led by curiosity and a deep desire to understand as opposed to jumping to problem solving. So make room for It. I think that it doesn't have to be these kind of serious conversations can be really casual on a run to the supermarket.

Let's have just talk. Right? What are things that you're up to these days? How are you feeling about X, Y and Z? Right.

And just really show curiosity and then encourage your team to be able to problem solve before you jump in. So you're there just as a co pilot of sorts as opposed to one that is dictating exactly where you're going.

So make it consistent, make it, make it less intense as. As you can possibly. Right.

Sometimes I hear this a lot where parents are saying, you know, the best time to talk to them is when we are driving somewhere. And I think that's, that's absolutely right.

And you have their capture attention but it's okay to have the radio on and to be able to have things that you can sort of latch onto and then ease your way into deeper conversations from there.

Your book is written through a trauma informed lens. Tell us why that is and what is the impact of that on the reader.

Yeah, thank you so much for that question. I think what makes the book really, I think important during this time that we're living in is that we are all experiencing some form of mass trauma.

And sometimes the ways in which we engage begins to ignore that.

And it cannot be that, that, that we just sort of pretend like, you know, the, the aspects of life, you know, is just going on in this hojam way or humdrum, I guess that's the phrase when you know, it's. It's sort of punctuated by a lot of things that are really scary right now.

And so the trauma informed model really allows for us to see where we are in context before we jump to maybe judgment or pathologizing of what it is that teens are bringing forth. It really focuses on creating a safe environment for our teams.

Safety is really key for them to be able to open up and talk and collaborate in problem solving and to be able to be very forthright with where it is that they are still needing some support and where it is that they, you know, they. They are really proud of themselves. So it's a, it's also a model that really emphasis a strengths perspective. Right. That your teens are capable.

They have. We want to be able to remind them of their self efficacy as much as possible throughout. Right.

That they are capable of talking of noting where it is that they are having some challenges and how to best self regulate. The whole aspect of. Of this book is about burgeoning as much of personal resilience as possible. Right.

And, and it's really being able to, from a trauma informed care model is to be able to say, I know you can do that and I want you to be able to access it and I'm here to support you, but even without me here, I think you'll be fine. So it's to be able to really garner as much hope and a sense of helpfulness as opposed to helplessness.

So that's where this sort of trauma informed care model is coming from.

Last question, Dr. Wu, because we're almost out of time, but I did want to ask you, what message of hope do you hope that your book leaves for teens for whom it is created, and their parents as well?

Yeah, I, I heard something incredibly touching the other day from someone who was gifted this book and they said that it was, it gave them life. And I, I just couldn't help but just feel like, well, that's exactly what I wanted this to be.

I know that's a lofty aspiration because, you know, life comes from a lot of sources, not just from a book. Right. And, but I think that the, the very fact is, is hope is there just needs to be sort of unearthed and, or regenerative.

It's, it's lost a little bit, but it's, it's something that we all have within ourselves and I want people to, to be able to dig that out, you know, through some of these tools that I am offering.

And it's book and, and it really is just like such a, a, an encouraging thing to, to know that so long as you're reaching for some, some sort of hope, you're, you're, you're going to be, you're going to be just fine.

The book is called the Self Regulation Handbook for Teens and young adults. Dr. Kathy Wu, first time author and psychologist and mom, we really appreciate your time and your perspective today. Thank you.

Thank you so much. To learn more about today's podcast guest and topic as well as other parenting themes, visit where parents talk dot com.