Simplifying Adulting Preparation: Essential Skills for Today’s Young Adults

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What, if anything, can parents do to simplify the learning curve for adolescents as they move into adulthood? Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is an accomplished entrepreneur in the real estate industry.

Rob Finlay is also a best selling author and father of four. His first parenting theme book is called hey dad, everything you should have learned about life and didn't.

Rob joins us today from Charlotte, North Carolina. Thank you so much for taking the time.

Well, thanks for having me today, Leanne.

Really interesting topic because we seem to be hearing more and more about it for different reasons in the world we live in today. Let me start, Rob, by asking you why did you feel that there was a need for this type of book on this theme?

I think it comes really from my experience with my own kids and I like to think about adulting or for our young kids as you know.

Have you ever been to the airport and you see these, these, I call them the magic carpets, right, where it's, it's like a, it's like a walkway, but it moves and, and everything. You just stand on it and you go down the, down the concourse.

I feel like our kids are sort of like on that, that, you know, magic carpet ride where they're out there and they're like, you know, what if I go to first grade, second grade, third grade, everything is sort of programmed for them. Then all of a sudden this stops.

They either graduate from high school, graduate from college, but all of this sort of, this, this where they go and what they do has stopped and now they're sort of put in this part of where, okay, now you have to grow up and be an adult.

And as much as we've tried to do for them as they've been growing up, they might not have been equipped with all of the skills that are required for them to be successful adults.

And so I really thought, it's just, it was a, there was a lot of stories behind it and what the actual prompting of it was a situation I had with one of my daughters. But in reality was, it's generally for all young adults who are in this transitional period, it gives them the fundamentals of being an adult.

So it begs the question, Rob, like, you know, certain generations, let's talk about ours, for example, didn't have a guide. We didn't have a lot of maybe guidance from our parents, just in general. We had to figure it out on our own.

So what has changed to the point that this current generation could use and need a book like the one that you've produced.

But I think, you know, I don't know about you and your other listeners, but so for me, when I was growing up, I had to do chores, I had to do things, I had to mow the yard, I had to work on things that. When my dad was working on the car, I was helping with the car. And my parents were very good about getting me involved in being with adults.

I think as I was an adult and I started my time with my kids, I spent more time sort of taking care of them than necessarily teaching them the things that they need to know. So, for example, like, I don't change my oil in my car anymore.

I go down to a Jiffy Lube or, you know, a AAA service station, and it gets done for me. Everything I try to do is for my kids, my daughters, for example. I try to do everything I can for them, right? If. And they know, hey, dad, I've got a.

My. My tire pressure on my car is, has gone down. There's the light on my car. Can you go take care of it? Sure, sweetheart, of course I will.

And so I think as, as, as.

As an adult, at least for me, I've tried so hard to sort of take my kids and protect them and, and as opposed to trying to teach them and let them get on their own. I also think too, it's, you know, it is a different generation and these things are changing. Don't forget, we are in these monumental shifts, right?

A lot of these kids are dealing with things that, that. I had an economy issue when I was, When I was graduating. I was at a time where the economy was in a bad shape.

Now you have young adults who are going to have a difficult time getting jobs because of AI and other things. I also learned early on that I have to be adaptable, right? I have to be able to adapt.

Just because I graduated with a finance major does not mean that my first job has to be a financ. And I can't live with if I don't get that. So I think it's just a different time, a different perspective.

It's interesting that you talk about having actively protected your children as they grew up. Is that something that you were aware of while it was going on?

And if not, like what, when you sat down to write this book, did you become more attuned to that and sort of looking back on that?

Well, exactly.

And I think that really the key launch for this, like the, the aha moment for this book actually happened late at night and I was laying a bit, I was actually asleep. And, and you know, for, for a middle aged guy, it's a wonderful thing. Like if you're sleeping in the middle of the night, it's wonderful.

But I get that thing that every parent dreads. It's the phone call. Phone call at the middle of the night is always something that is really scary.

And so I grab my phone, I see it's one of my daughters and I'm freaking out, my heart rate's pounding. Phone, what's wrong? Like, that's my first immediate thing. And on the other side, she's like, hey dad, can I put the green gas in my Jeep?

I was like, what am I? Green gas in your cheap. What are you talking about?

And then finally I came up to sort of, you know, she was almost frustrated by my response of like, what are you talking about? She's like, I'm at a gas station, can I put the green gas in my jeep?

Well, the green gas was diesel and her jeep is a gasoline engine, so clearly she cannot. And, and so at that point I realized that maybe I hadn't taught them the things that I thought I had.

And yes, that sheltering was in fact what I hear now.

Every, every time I get a hey dad question, a hey dad text, a hey dad call, a hey dad anything, it's because of maybe I spent more time sheltering or even I was, as you mentioned, I was an entrepreneur. I spent so much time when my kids were young, I spent an incredible amount of time on the road trying to grow and run the business.

And so I'm sure there's a lot of guilt that comes into that. Right? I wasn't always there for them.

And so maybe I didn't teach them all the things, maybe I didn't show them how to get an apartment or what to do to get a job I thought I had, but maybe I didn't. And so this is covering my basis. And the book is really fundamental. And it's important to note too, the book isn't just me writing my stories.

I actually went out and interviewed 30 experts in all things adulting. Everything from taxes, banking, investments, even to stuff like how often you should clean your house or your, or your sheets. Those are things.

And I got those experts to really just give me a non sort of pushing, but more of just an enjoyable read and how to foundational book.

So there's a lot to unpack there. But I did want to go back because I did read your book and I recall that example that you provided with that phone call at 1:00 from your daughter.

And you know, you described it as feeling like you failed.

Yes.

Which is a very large admission for any of us to make on anything.

But I wonder like how much of that ended up being the impetus to first recognize that maybe, you know, there was, you know, failure involved or you know, there was a shortcoming there that then spurred you to say, you know what? I am going to take action and the action here is going to be a book.

Yeah. So look, I think every parent parenting is a tough job and we all know it. I mean it's, it's a brutal, brutal, brutal. Wonderful but brutal job.

And I think every parent, I even hear from my mom, she's like, oh, I, I really didn't do a good job with you and your brother. And you know, my brother's a successful businessman, he's got kids. I've, I've been fairly successful. I've got kids like, like mom, what do you.

Where's your, where's your, where's your bar if you feel like you failed? Like, it's really hard. And I think by admitting my failure, it is. Look, we're never going to be perfect, Right.

Parents are going to mess up, we screw up. And I think the one thing that I probably doing this book realize that maybe I put way too much on myself, that maybe I didn't fail.

And I didn't fail because quite frankly, the high, the bar that I like to set and I tell other adults is our parents is that bar should really just be, did you create a good human? That's it. Set that as your bar.

You're not going to have, you know, not everybody's going to be the, the star quarterback in the football team or the politician or the, or the big businessman or whatever they are. As long as they're a good human, you've done your job as an adult.

Life will teach them all the rest, you know, as long as you've given them the foundation to be a good human and to learn and to have some, some des to achieve.

So it's interesting, I once interviewed an expert who said, you know, if you think about it, everything we do as parents is with a view to prepare our kids for independence. Right. And I thought it was very. A profound and powerful statement because I never thought about it like that before.

Including toilet training, teaching them how to feed themselves, on and on and on. You know, down the line.

When you look back on it in terms of sort of focusing and researching and writing this book, is there anything you wish you had done differently in your parenting?

I see. I think once again, that's sort of a loaded question, right? Obviously, there's things I wish I did differently. I wish I spent more time with my kids.

I wish I tried to force them into these learning experiences as opposed to last minute or making sure that they did it or giving them some more independence. I really think that as, as our kids grow and develop, I think we're doing more of a disservice right now by not pushing them out to be adults.

I, I think that's one of the things where I, I think I. I wanted them to be so comfortable that maybe, hey, stay with me. You just graduated. You don't really know what you're doing. Come stay with me.

It's okay. Save up money. I'll take care of it. Don't worry about. Just, Just find yourself and be one and happy. That, I think, is, is while it's.

You're doing it because you feel like you, you need to do it and you want to do it, that's a mistake that I felt like, you know what?

I just prevented my kid from adulting and growing and being successful by keeping them at home and sheltering them from the things that they're going to learn or the things that they're going to need to learn on their own. And I think that's the foundation for, for adulting, is that adulting is really. And it's, it's a nonstop. Here.

I'm still learning to be an adult today.

It's about building these foundations and constantly learning and evolving, understanding that failure is okay, just get up, do it again, learn how to make friends, learn how to network, how these things are going to be important in your life. And that's really what it's all about.

So on that note, the book hey dad is billed as a practical guide.

And it's filled with all kinds of key topics that you tackle directly, including, as you mentioned, getting a job, starting a business, handling money, moving out, et cetera, et cetera. How did you go about drilling down to these key themes? Because literally there are, you know, thousands of themes we could get into.

But to isolate them down and summarize that into those themes, how did you go about that?

It's because I'm simple minded myself, right? It's like, okay, you get out of school, go get a job. I don't care what it is, right? And these are the first things, right?

You need to, you need to learn. Like, you need to go get a job. You can't just wait for that ultimate career or, or try to be an influencer. You need to go get a job.

So one, get a job. Two, go find a place to live.

Three, you know, go, go figure out, you know, you know, to get a car, be a good human manners and all the other adulting stuff, including emergencies. Because emergencies do happen and when emergencies. I think that's sort of the whole thing with this book. It's not going to be a how to on everything.

That really isn't what I set out to do. I set out to give big key concepts that young adults should know. And it's, and that's practical advice, Just practical advice.

It's not going to tell you how to tie a tie, but it's going to tell you, hey, here's what you should do. So you should know that when you should or should not have a tie. Right? Those are the, those are the kind of concepts that I tried to instill.

But it really, you know, it's funny because every, every time now I'm, I think about, I'm like, I get another call from my kid, I'm like, you know what? I didn't talk about that. I didn't. Oh yeah, all this other stuff. And our world evolves so quickly that quite frankly, I couldn't keep up.

But I didn't want, I wanted to make it consumable as well. Right. And as, you know, as the book, every chapter has a little too long didn't read section.

So if you really needed to just distill it even further, just go, go to that, to the last page.

I have no doubt you could make it to volume 10 in, you know, in a matter of minutes for sure. So your book begins with the idea that it's okay not to know exactly what you want to do with your life.

So then how can parents help their kids embrace the uncertainty of adulthood while still encouraging them to plan for the future?

It's. Great question, great question, Leanne. First things first.

And I know it sounds crazy and I could probably say it now because mine are out of the house, but one, relax. Your kids are under so much pressure. Not just your pressure. P. You know, when I was growing up, my pressure was, yeah, my kids, like, yeah.

And my parents Were saying, hey, get a job. Get, you know, do all this stuff, get good grades and you'll be fine. Nowadays you have these kids who look at social media.

You have no idea what's real and what's fake.

I mean, I, you look at social media and every, every kid of my kids who are following is traveling around on first class and traveling all over Europe and, and living this lifestyle. It's like. So first things first. You want to encourage your kids to have a plan, but not necessarily the plan.

I put an analogy, and this was actually from. From one of my daughters who loves to hike. She loves the outdoors, and she sort of equates her life to like a, like a hike.

You don't really know what you're going to get on your hike, but that's the nice part about it. You can pick, hey, I want to go into mountains or I want to go hike to the ocean.

And you sort of have a general idea, but if you don't like the hike, just stop. Go a different direction if it, you know, and that's the important thing. Have your kids have a plan, but don't make it the plan.

Just have an idea to get going.

Yeah. Simplify it. And as you said, relax.

Which is something that, you know, a lot of parents today, anyways, in the competitive world that we live in, you know, it's hard to do for a lot of people. You talk about employers and how they value boldness and hustle. This is another pain point. Many families.

How can parents nurture hustle and that mindset in their kids without overwhelming them?

So the number one thing that I suggest, there's a couple key concepts that I like to, you know, besides obviously being a good person.

But one of the important things that I would encourage parents to do is to get your kid young adult, whatever you want to call them, involved with other adults. Include them. When you have family gatherings and you have your friends over, you have your adult friends over. Invite your kids to start to interact.

And I think that interaction is key. When you go to a, it doesn't matter. You go to a, a picnic or you go to a, a church event or a sporting event, have your kids interact with adults.

Have them comfortable to interact with adults. Because I think one of the things, it's not necessarily the drive that's holding your kid back.

It's the comfort in communicating and networking with other people. And I think that's where I've noticed, and I've noticed this in my own business the past 25 years. I've been hiring young adults.

They're coming fresh out of college, and I hire them to be analysts and we train them up. The difference between an analyst coming in today versus one that came in 25 years ago is remarkable.

The young adults today are much more passive, they're much more inward. It's hard. I'm not getting the unsolicited emails, hey, I'd love to come work for you. Can I meet you?

And I think that's where we're doing our kids a disservice, is it comes down to they're not comfortable talking to an adult and asking an adult for help, asking them some other adult that they don't know.

They're sure they're happy to ask you for anything under the sun, but when it comes down to it, will they go into LinkedIn and say, Geez, you know what? I'm really interested in a job in auto, you know, auto engineering.

Would they ever do any research and start reaching out and saying, hey, I, I'm really interested in this, I'm a college graduate. Would you spend 10 minutes with me talking to me about this? And I think so. I, I, I, I go back to that. It's not, I don't think it' or drive.

I think it's the lack of confidence in networking and engaging socially.

Yeah.

And when you add, you know, certainly the pandemic and its impact on social interaction, isolation, those kinds of sort of, you know, conversational communications abilities that a lot of kids in certain age groups have lost or never really found or never really had it because of the pandemic. And then social media, which, you know, despite the name, causes a lot of people to be isolated. Isolated. It really does make sense emotionally.

AI, I just want to point out. Sorry, yeah, I want to point out.

And now AI is becoming so powerful that that point of that relationship, that human to human contact is even gone or is diminishing. So it's critical now that you get your kids comfortable in communicating and talking with adults, reaching out to other people. It's that social.

And you're right. I think it's, you know, the pandemic was crushing to our young adults and the technology and social media is also crushing to our young adults.

AI will be crushing. These are all opportunities, but they're, they're, we have to teach our young adults how to work with these tools.

And I think the other thing that's interesting about that particular point is talking to other adults who may have similar perspectives to perhaps the parent. But when you hear it from Somebody else. And it sort of validates what mom and dad may have said, but fell on deaf ears.

So I think it's a really important point you're making.

Yeah, I think, look, I think the family circle in the friend zone, the friend dynamic is critical. I've had my kids come in on business meetings and business meals just so they can experience this.

And I can tell you, you know, I speak from, from experience. If a young adult asked me for some advice or some help, I'm more than talk to them, give them advice, career advice, whatever it may be.

It's because it is important that I, I'm smart enough to know that this next generation is going to have to take care of me. So I better get them, better get them up before, before too long.

Give them the tools for sure. Chapter 11 in your book talks about emotional intelligence.

And I wonder what practical ways can parents help their kids navigate difficult situations which were, you know, are inevitable in life, obviously, without making things worse for themselves if they don't have that life experience yet?

Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing too, right? Part of adulting, that ever living thing, right, where you're always learning and the emotional intelligence is, is key and critical.

And I think that, I think parents can, this is more about dialogue and this comes back to communication. I think one of the challenges that we have as, as parents is it goes back to, we're trying to make these things learning moments.

And sometimes they, they tend like they're, or they sound like we are preaching or we are pushing our will on our kids, which isn't necessarily the best thing to do.

And so when you start talking about these experiences, I think it's, it's, it's, it's important to have your young adult understand that there's a place and an outlet to reflect and talk and discuss these things. And I think that's where, where it's important that that communication also back to that, that family and friend circle.

My kids, if they have a really tough thing and they don't necessarily want to talk to me, they can talk to one of my friends. And back to your point, they'll listen to him before they listen to me almost, you know, nine out of 10 times.

And his, his kids will listen to me nine times out of 10. And that's what makes it, that's what makes it nice.

So in addition to your lived experience with your four kids and your observations over the years as a dad, you, as you mentioned, have also infused the expertise of more than two dozen experts in the book. Curious as to how did you go about selecting these experts and why did you feel that was important to include them?

I think the, the importance of having the experts goes back to that. My kids aren't going to listen to me. Right.

And so, you know, one of the funny stories was that one of the women who I interviewed, she runs a very large real estate company, massive, multifamily. They own apartments throughout the world. A massive company.

And most likely, you know, somebody's lived in one of theirs or know somebody who lives in one of their apartments. And she said, yeah, you know what, Rob? It was very funny.

I was actually dropping my daughter off and I was putting her into an apartment and my daughter had a question about the apartment and I tried to answer for her and she turned to me and said, mom, you know, I know you're in the business, but they don't. Not everybody does it your way. You don't know what you're talking about, Right? Well, it turns out it was actually one of her apartments.

And so of course she really did know what she was talking about. But it comes back to that point where your kids aren't going to listen to you. They'll listen to experts.

The next part of that question was, how did I pick them? I try to get a blend of relatable but also credible experts.

So, for example, knowing that banking is one of these staid things, that, that really isn't exciting.

I know there's a lot of conversation on TikTok and, and other social media outlets about money and banking, but I had one of my, my kids asked me, well, why do I need a bank account? I've got Zelle, right? Or. Or Venmo, just, I just use that. And, and no, you need a bank account.

I went out and I sought professionals that had that expertise, but relatability. So head of family banking at JPMorgan Chase, head of apartments at Greystar. So sort of a blend of it as well as social media personalities.

Interesting. Now, the fact of the matter is, in today's world, parents have never been more challenged for a host of reasons that we all understand.

And all of this can feel super overwhelming for the average par.

How can parents break down these lessons into manageable chunks for their emerging adults to not only appreciate, but to take something from, whether it's through your book or just some of the lessons in there.

Once again, prioritize. But first and foremost, relax. Adulting is hard. Parenting is hard. We already, we talk about this. Just relax. You're not going to get it?

All right, so, but, but take. Prioritize what's really important. And I come back to the same thing. I don't care if my kids are the best in the world, the richest, whatever it is.

I just want somebody to say, hey, you know what? They were a good human. They're, they're, they're. Yeah, they have empathy.

They care about people, they care about animals and nature and all of that stuff. Like, they just are good people.

And they get up every morning and they work and they drive to, to get something better for themselves and their family and their loved ones. That's all.

And so when you, when you start taking that, if you have that already filled, if you feel like you've created a pretty good person, then prioritize. Where is the next step?

I think for a lot of young adults, that next step is when they get off that magic carpet ride and everything is now up to them. Every decision in the past has been made for them. Now it's their turn. What am I going to do? Where am I going to live?

And that is a very, very difficult experience for a lot of young adults. And so I would probably prioritize if you take sections of the book, and which is why I put it as number one.

It's a key, fundamental, letting your kid know that the path and the journey is going to be theirs. The faster they do it, the better it will be and the easier it will be. But it is their journey.

And teach them that it's not a life and death decision, because I think a lot of kids struggle with this. As I have to get the right job, I have to get the right location. I've got to be right here, and I can't do this without that. And just goes on and on.

Yeah, it can become overwhelming very quickly.

I'm curious as to what you learned about yourself, Rob, in the course of researching, writing this book, doing those interviews, and just putting it all together.

A couple of things. One, that I don't know everything. Right. And, and this was. And that's why this was actually pretty exciting for me, because I'm interviewing people.

You and I were talking about your podcast and how if we let it go, if we don't, if we don't limit the time, we're on forever. Well, these. I mean, I had interviews. I had an interview with. With the guy who runs the tire shop for like two and a half hours. Right. And it was just.

It was just because we were talking, I learned so much about things that I didn't really know, but also how my kids might experience that, right? To me, I don't know. Like, to me, Venmo and Zelle were new things for me. Like these money transfer apps were new to me.

For my kids, banking's new to them. And so it really, the, the thing was I'm as. As an adult, I might be out of, out of touch with reality sometimes.

So, you know, the other thing that I learned is that social media is a huge importance to our young adults. No matter if you're, you know, and I know a lot of parents will say, my kids aren't on social media and all that stuff.

Well, they might not be on social media, but they might be influenced by it. And, and so it's really important to understand how influential that is to them.

And the third is, you know, make sure your kids are prepared for emergencies. They don't have time to quickly look on their app, Google or chat GPT it. They have to be able to think and be in a situation where they have to.

They have to manage the danger themselves because you won't be there.

I'm curious as to, you know, did this journey for you of putting this book together ultimately impact your parenting approach, even though your kids range in age from 20 to 28? You mentioned, you know, some of them don't live at home anymore, but you're still their dad and they're still going to call you for stuff.

So in what ways, if any, has this journey of writing this book influenced how you parent?

I've become much more logical on it. So, for example, I get, you know, dreaded phone call number one, middle of the night, dreaded phone call number two.

My young adult feeling the independence is at an auto dealership and she's about to buy her first brand new car. And she hasn't done any research or anything, you know, anything to it. And it's giving her the structure of what to do. Or you're in an accident.

It gives you structure. And so as. As an adult might. The difference in my adulting is before it was, oh, geez, I need to take care of it. So get out of the dealership.

Dad's going to take care of it for you. You know, I'll get you the car or, hey, sweetheart. Oh, my gosh. You were an offender, Bender. Oh, my gosh, Let dad take care of it to now.

Okay, let's think about this logically. Okay? You're in an accident. And just like what I Learned from, from AAA gentleman runs, triple A1. Okay, were you hurt anybody? Injured? Okay. No.

Share information. Do you need to call the police? Do you need to. Have you done that? Have you got these documents?

And it became just much more of a calm approach as opposed to my typical, you know, volatile, like, hey, oh my gosh, big, big issue, right? It's like. And, and I think that's sort of the, the key thing that I've learned. It's.

And for the change of my own parenting skill has been one of more logic and more of practical. Here you go. This is what you need to do. Don't worry about it. Don't relax. You're okay as long as you're not hurt. Let's go through these things.

The other interesting piece about your story and your book is the fact that you are a dad writing this. And it's, it's most often moms who kind of think about this and find ways to sort of express themselves on it. Not exclusively, but mostly.

I'm curious because you talked about having traveled a lot, you know, when your kids were growing up. So presumably your wife was managing, raising the kids. What was her reaction to you? One, wanting to write this book and two, to the finished product.

So actually it was my wife's idea. So after that call with our daughter, middle of the night, she's like, you know what, you should just write a book about this.

Because I just finished my first book and I write these for enjoyment. I'm not a, you know, this is just pure enjoyment for me. I love writing and doing this. And so she's like, why don't you just write a book?

Just like get all this stuff. Because she's always there beside me, because the kids come to me and they're like, hey, dad. Because usually it's hey dad, I need this right?

Or hey, dad, you know, and, and so she, she realized how important it was for me to sort of answer a lot of these questions for them. But put it in a. Once again, this book is about a foundational approach. It's not everything.

It's just to help them get a sense of a non judgy, non sort of pushy, foundational improvement of their life and how to be an adult. How to go from this, this dependent lifestyle to being independent.

The book is called hey dad, Everything you should have learned about life but didn't. Author Rob Finlay, thank you so much for your time and sharing your insight with us today.

Thank you so much.

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