Healing Estrangement: Reconnecting with Your Adult Child

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Welcome to the Where Parents Talk podcast. We help grow better parents through science, evidence and the lived experience of other parents.

Learn how to better navigate the mental and physical health of your tween teen or young adult through proven expert advice. Here's your host, Lianne Castelino.

What leads to estrangement and what do adult children need from their parents to rebuild their relationship after silence and hurt? Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a licensed clinical social worker and an executive and family coach.

Catherine Hickem is also a psychotherapist and founder of Parenting Adult Children Today, a platform grounded in her clinical and lived experience. Catherine is also an author and a mother of two. She joins us today from Atlanta, Georgia. Thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you for having me.

Katherine, you spent decades helping families manage conflict. What led you in particular to focus on the parent adult relationship?

I was seeing a pattern and a theme evolve that said we are in trouble culturally because, because people are not continuing relationships once they hit young adulthood. And it was frightening to me because we are setting patterns that are hard to break once they establish some pretty bad habits.

And our families are extremely important to our overall well being as a, as a group of people, as a culture. So I saw people not talking for years. I saw people like not being able to see grandchildren.

You know, we went through the COVID years which brought up all kinds of separation because of the, the issues around medical issues or politics. And so brokenness and pain and suffering just became pretty heavy among the families that were reaching out to me.

And it was like, we have to do something. We have to really bring attention to the importance of figuring out ways that we can heal, restore, and move forward.

Even in the midst of us not always agreeing or understanding, there is always space for us to find some common ground.

So along those lines, you believe that estrangement is not random. What do you mean by that?

I think adult children in particular give signals to their parents far before the parents figure it out. I think the parents are accustomed to parenting in a particular way.

They've been doing it the entire life of that adult child and they don't often and evolve and change and grow as the adult child evolves, changes and grows.

And so what ends up happening is that adult child has figured out because they have been raised by that parent, what the values of that parents happen to be that no longer line up with who they think they are.

So they take off on their own journey and often live a secret Life, a life that doesn't include them, because they don't want to deal with the conflict, they don't want to deal with the rejection, they don't want to deal with criticism. So the signs will be there that more and more they are more private, they're less revealing of what's happening in their lives.

And as a result, distance begins to set in.

And by the time, a lot of times, parents figure it out or come to the reality that there's a problem, there's been significant time go by or significant damage occur.

So where does the onus lie? Who is responsible in that scenario that you just outlined?

With the parent who perhaps hasn't changed and the young adult child who perhaps has evolved, who needs to do what first?

I think it's the parent. I think, you know, we brought them into the world, we adopted them or we birthed them, but they are ours. And so therefore we.

We have had tremendous control and influence over their lives, which we should have because that was our job.

But as they became adults, we did not step back and really look to see who are my adult children versus who I think they are or who I wanted them to be.

And so the greater the disparity between how that adult child perceives themself and how that parent holds on to their definition of who that adult child should be is when that wall begins to build and form.

And that's unfortunate because it basically is about not disappointing the parent versus really the parent getting to know the adult child and who they've unfolded to become. So I think it's very important for parents to realize maybe I need to get curious. Maybe I need to be asking some questions.

Maybe I need to not assume that I really do know them. Maybe I need to believe that there's parts of them that have unfolded that were not within my purview, that I need to ask some questions. About what?

About a case where the parent is deeply set in their ways, and it's clear that that's not going to be moving. The clock is ticking and the child feels like the onus is now on them because there is no other option.

What would you say in that case to encourage or to empower that individual to go to their parents and try to repair the relationship?

Well, I think you said something very important, Ann, and that is if indeed this child has already figured out that that parent is not going to change, then they need to quit trying to kick that door down. They need to, quote, get into a relationship with a counselor or therapist and do some Grief, work and grieve.

What need will probably never be met by that parent?

Because it's in the grieving that they can let go of the expectation that will then lead them to be able to have a relationship with that parent, but with very different expectations. They will not keep going back to the well for water when there's no water in that well.

They will be able to say, this is my parent, I love them, I care about them, but I do not expect them to know me or to accept me for who I am. This is about their brokenness, this is about their fear.

But I'm not going to let it impact how I see myself or whether or not I'm worthy to be loved. It's heavy. It's a heavy load for an adult child to have to come to terms. But the truth is over 22% of the population have mental illness.

And so when we're dealing with that percentage, that means there's a lot of adult children who are never going to get their needs met by parents who don't have the capacity to get to meet their needs. But that doesn't mean you still can't have a relationship.

But there has to be a very significant adjustment on what they are wanting in the relationship and what they can expect to get back from the relationship.

Are there any other statistics that have given you pause as you continue to do this work? And certainly looking at trends over time, are there statistics that in particular you find striking?

I think the one that most alarmed me, and we just did a research on this, or just did a deep dive into some research on this just a few months ago, was that 26% of all adult children from 18 to 40 do not have a relationship currently with a parent. That is alarming in a culture that says families are, you know, the foundation of, of who we become.

And that's not even counting the people who are over 40, who are broken and who were the relationships.

Another statistic that was concerning to me was that over 42% of adult children share, will not share what is happening in their private world with their parents. They do not discuss their personal relationships. They will not discuss their own mental health.

Now, I find that very alarming because if you can't talk to the very people who brought you into the world about your own mental health, well, where are you going to go when times get hard, when difficulties come? You're struggling with depression, you're very anxious.

If you can't talk to the people who you would hope know you the best, who have history with you, who could be able to share with you? Well, this is how you used to handle it, or this is how. What I noticed with you, just that information, that family history information.

If adults do not have that sense of safety to be able to have those type of conversations, that's very concerning because now they have to talk to strangers to be able to find information, support, comfort, hope. And not everybody has a support system other than the biological people or the family that they grew up with.

So it's very concerning that we've become very walled off emotionally.

Adult children are more likely to talk about grandchildren, and they're more likely to talk about their jobs with their parents than they are personal issues. So that's very disturbing.

We live in uniquely challenging times.

If we're looking at the global epidemic of youth mental health challenges, if we're looking at the global epidemic of loneliness and isolation, not the least of which affects the elderly people in our lives.

When you think about all the contributing factors potentially that lead to estrangement of a young adult child or an adult child from their parents, are there any particular patterns or missteps that many people will find themselves committing?

I think one of the biggest mistakes that parents make is their expectations and what the problem is. They don't even see that they have them because they've been with them from the very beginning.

And my son is adopted, and I got a letter a month before he was born from his birth mother who gave me her heart about her expectations of him and his future. They start very early. They start in the womb.

The minute you find out you're going to be a mom, you begin to have a dream of what they will be, what they will accomplish, or what they will look like, or all kinds of things. We carry those with us. And as our children unfold, we gather more and more expectations. And then we have the cultural norms, the values, the.

That we expect them to embrace. We expect them to embrace maybe our political values, our religious values, our educational goals, and they just become like, breathing.

We don't think anything of it. And yet not everybody embraces what they were raised with, because it's not who they are. It doesn't fit for them. It's. It doesn't feel right to them.

So the conflict that happens in an adult child over walking away from what they've been raised to believe as to who they are versus what's really in their gut as to who they are is very intense for a lot of adult children. And so they have to make some really important decisions.

Am I going to, quote, spend my life trying to please my parents, which I've not observed that I've been able to do, or am I going to stay true to who I am? And that's a huge burden to put on a shoulder of an evolving young adult. But even an adult in their 30s to think that I'm a disappointment.

I once had a gentleman in my practice. I was seeing his wife in therapy, and she was in for depression. She was in her mid-60s.

I asked her if her husband would come in, and he did, but he didn't want to be there. And about 15 minutes in the conversation, he looked at me and said, can you tell me why my mom and dad have never accepted me?

Why am I not good enough? I've spent my whole life in the family business, and no matter what I do, and it's never enough. It's never good, and they don't love me.

And he just had these big tears fall down his face. And this was a man who had never, ever been. He never felt accepted or received or known or understood.

And this is what happens to people in their lives when the very people who brought them here don't know them and don't seek to know who they have become.

Building on that point, Katherine, you believe and you teach that relationships begin with intention. What does that look like when that relationship breaks down and becomes strained?

That means a parent is going to have to own responsibility for whatever part they contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. And if they don't know what that is, then this is that time for them to be asking somebody very important questions. It can start with an email.

It can start with a phone call.

Whatever their relationship, what's the best way for them to launch into a conversation, but to at least put the foot in the water that says, hey, I've noticed that you and I haven't had some really quality time. And I can sense that maybe you're pulling away. And I am concerned that maybe I've done something that has contributed to that.

And I really want to know what that is because you're very important to me. I love you. And I haven't been a perfect parent. So I want to know what needs to.

What conversation do we need to happen in order for there to be restored communication?

So I can, you know, either own my part of the problem or apologize if I need to, but I. I don't want this to continue going down the path that it feels like we're currently going down. Just being able to. To take responsibility and not blaming, not judging, but just saying that something's off. Do you feel that too?

That says to that adult child, I care, I'm, I'm observing, I'm paying attention and I, I want you to know I'm here and I want to be in relationship with you.

It's a powerful step and they may choose to do something with it and they may choose not to do with it, but you've done the right thing by laying the groundwork to communicate their value to you and the fact that you're not going to quit on them.

For some parents who think that they are doing the right things, that they mean well, it may not come across and be received in the way that it was intended.

You know, what would you say to that parent who unintentionally is causing an estrangement, potential estrangement issue with their adult child, but they think that they're doing something positive rather than negative.

I see that a lot actually, because what ends up happening is that parents, because they don't make the changes and the transition of, you know, the pre adulthood to adulthood, they just keep parenting with the same degree of freedom that they had when the child lived at home. So they're very opinionated. They will give advice that's not being asked for. They think they're helping.

You know, the good, the good part is they care, they love them, they want to protect them from, you know, pain and suffering and challenges. But what ends up, the residual effect is that it can come across as being dismissive, disrespectful, insulting.

It's saying, saying I don't trust that you have enough sense to figure this problem out. And therefore our good, well meaning heart can blow up in our face because we were trying to help. But the truth is they didn't ask for our help.

And if they're not asking for our help, sometimes they just need to be able to vent. They just need to be able to hear themselves orally process them.

You know, what's happening with someone who knows them or who's walked a lot of experiences with them.

And so, so we've got to get real clear on what do our adult children need from us versus what we keep projecting onto them is our responsibility to give to them. And that's where those murky waters can really be very hurtful and can bring trust.

Well, and that all is really rooted in self reflection. Right.

And so what can you say to a parent who maybe doesn't have the self awareness, who to do the self reflection to then address the problem that they don't realize they may be creating.

I mean, that's a really great point. I think we need to start with the mirror.

I think the very first thing that we need to do is to get honest about how we're feeling about what's happening in our adult children's lives.

And we need to be honest about our fears, because every bad decision that we have ever made, really, on any level, but especially in our parenting, the root cause is fear.

And if we can get really honest with what's my biggest fear with where my adult child happens to be in this situation, step back, think it through, and then say, okay, what does this mean for me? What does this mean for them?

And just starting to think through that filter, and it allows us then to make different choices on how we want to address the challenge, the problem, or the issue.

But right now, if we're just going in and we're, we're approaching things from a reactive state instead of a reflective state, we're going to allow emotion to drive our words, our engagements, our opinions, instead of stepping back and going, what's really happening here? What you know, are they really asking me for information or am I just volunteering it because I'm anxious and this is what I do when I'm anxious?

Or am I willing to let them struggle to come to their own conclusions and bring those so we can discuss that? So self awareness is a gift.

It is an absolute gift to every member of the family because it basically says I can choose to be a response instead of a reaction when I have self awareness.

There are many families where talking, texting, gathering for holidays with their, you know, adult children is a thing that happens, but they may be emotionally estranged. What does that involve specifically and how can that be addressed?

Well, I think, you know, one of the benefits of holidays is that it families do get together sometimes in spite of the, quote, current email, emotional communication that's taking place, the patterns, the habits, the history, the traditions can often work for us.

But I do think when we are experiencing holidays and it's just perfunctory, where people are doing it because they have to, we really want to, quote, observe as parents and do what we can to ask before those events, what would make this a special holiday for you? Is there something that we could do in our home that would allow you or encourage you to, like, really have more enjoyment?

You know, is there, you know, is there a favorite meal that you would like for me to cook? Is there something that we used to do when you were younger? That you would like to introduce to your family this year.

You know, what are some special things that would make this a meaningful holiday to you? It's, it's, it's demonstrating awareness and sensitivity without getting into the heaviness of how come you're acting this way?

Because the holidays are not the time to be problem solving, major family, you know, dysfunctional issues. It's a time to. But to learn, to observe, to listen and to watch.

So, you know, seeking ways by which the holiday would be more enjoyable is a way of showing honor, It's a way of showing respect, and it's a way of saying, I care that this is an important holiday for you, not just what it does for us when.

We'Re talking about, you know, estrangement involving adult children and their parents, generations and sort of that generational gap in some cases, it's, it's a chasm that exists between those two parties.

So much has gone on, certainly for young adults these days and, you know, young, well, adults in their 20s, 30s, and 40s that their parents in their 60s, 70s, 80s, you know, just cannot understand.

So what would you suggest could be a respectful first step for a parent who might be in this category to take to repair the relationship with their child?

This sounds really simple, but it, it starts with, it is very clear. I have hurt you, and I am brokenhearted that I have hurt you.

And I don't even know where to begin to tell you how deeply sorry I am because I'm not fully sure of all the ways that I've hurt you. But I want to understand and is there a time where we can really discuss this and put this on the table?

I think what happens with adult children want to know that the parents don't quit. They need to know that they're not going to just walk away and go, oh, you know, oh, well, too bad, so sad.

They need to know that the parent does care. They need to know that it matters to them that there's a broken relationship.

And so I think part of that is us being sure that we're not assuming that they know. I mean, I've, I've had several parents in recent weeks say to me, you know, I, I don't understand what I did.

And it's been going on for years and I still don't understand what I did. And I would say to them, well, what have you done in order to, you know, you know, cross that bridge?

And they would go, well, you know, I would just, you know, text them and say hi. Just wanted to Check in and let you know I'm here. But it didn't get any further than, hey, checking in.

Because that kind of a text doesn't say, I know there's a problem. It just says, I'm checking in.

So if we're really serious about solving a problem and reconnecting and rebuilding trust, we're going to have to be willing to have the serious conversation and take some risk with saying something's drastically wrong. Clearly, I've owned. I've done something. I. I don't want that to be the case because I love you and this hurts. This is hurtful.

And I don't want you to feel like you're floating in the world not thinking that I don't care because I deeply, deeply care. So I think it's a question. We can't stop making the effort. That doesn't mean we do it every day.

That doesn't mean that you, you know, we bang on their door every morning. But it does mean that we don't stop reaching out. We. We. We still celebrate their birthdays. It may be that we send a card.

It may be that, you know, we send gifts on Christmas or that we are writing letters to say, you know, here's some things that I've been working on in my life. You know, I would love to see how, you know, how I have contributed to where you are, you know, and.

Or some of the other part of this is reassuring them that there's absolutely nothing in their life that they could have done that would make them be rejected. Because I will tell you, a lot of adult children have said to me.

I know, I heard my parents talk about other people's children making decisions over the course of my life. And I know the things that my parents thought were horrible, horrible and bad.

And I have done some of those things, and my parents will never, ever, ever know what I've done because I don't want to deal with the pain of them having the opportunity to reject me and to hurt me. And so therefore, I just keep them at a distance.

And they don't know about my life because they're fearful that the very people who brought them into the world would be the very. That's a very deep, deep wound that some people never get over. And so they avoid it instead of facing it.

Speaking of avoidance, let's say that one of the two sides decides to take the first step. Is there value in going over the history and, you know, risking going down a road where it digs up a lot of anger and frustration?

And maybe regresses and devolves the whole point of. Of connecting in the first place, or is there value in looking ahead and does it depend on the situation?

I think it depends on the situation because sometimes you can't move forward until you have healed from the wounds of the past. So I definitely think there has to be some healing, but it does not help to dig up every problem that has ever existed in all of your childhood.

To get to this point, I think we need to be really clear. What are the themes and the patterns?

That's what I always tell parents to look for when they are approaching, you know, was it the fact that they didn't. That the adult child didn't feel respected or that the adult child felt like they were a constant disappointment? Disappointment.

Or that the parent may have violated boundaries that the adult children had set. You know, try to put it into buckets as to what are the categories that have been the areas that have been the most hurtful.

Look for those patterns and those seams and then talk about when my boundaries are violated. This is how it makes me feel. I don't feel respected, I don't feel valued, and I don't feel safe with you.

So if we're going to have a relationship, I have to know that the boundaries are going to be honored and respected. That you, you, you try to keep it in, you know, themes because that, because you can't go into the minutiae of everything that's ever happened.

But you can sure start with pick two or three areas.

Just work on those two or three areas, but have really clear boundaries as to what, what does healthy look like to you and come up with some agreement as to, you know, what's going to be the code word. Mom, if you start to quote, tell me what to do again. How can I tell you? I didn't ask.

Mom, I want to figure this out for myself without you getting your feelings hurt and without me wanting to run away.

Having conversations are really important, but we struggle to know how to have hard conversations with each other without it getting too emotional and escalated.

And there's the reason why people are so fearful to confront challenging issues is because they're scared of getting out of control and then things getting worse. So what they do is they just push back, you know, and like, hide and go, you know, underground, where they don't connect at all.

So then what defines a healthy parent, adult child relationship today?

Mutual respect. Recognizing that both people are both ages are working on becoming better versions of themselves, that they are not going to Be perfect.

They're going to make mistakes. Being willing to own those mistakes with each other and taking responsibility for those mistakes. Being able to say I'm sorry.

Being able to ask really good questions, asking how can I support you or.

Or, you know, or being able to say, look, I'm really struggling with this right now, and so you may not hear from me for a few days because I've got some things I got to work through, but I'm okay. I'll stay in touch. Just want to let you know I'm.

I've just got to handle some things on my own, but just being able to have the respect that you would with a really, really good friend.

Recognizing, though, that your heart's involved and that, you know, reminding, I think, that adult child that at the end of the day, there will be nothing that will make me not be there for you. Should you ever find yourself with your back against the wall, I want to be the first call that you make and mean it.

Don't say it if you can't back it up and. And you don't mean it. Don't ever say something you can't back up. It's. That's a huge issue for adult children.

They got to know that they can count on you to be who you say you are because that's integrity and character.

If you were to speak to the parents directly, listening to this or watching this interview today and have them leave with just one message, what would it be?

I really believe in my heart of hearts that a parent should never quit on their adult child, regardless of what happens. That doesn't mean we don't have to have boundaries in situations that are.

That are very healthy and very clean with adult children who may be going through really difficult times. But our how is extremely important.

So will my adult children have a memory of me, of someone who left a legacy of kindness, respect, and honor in the midst of whatever challenges that came my way? Can I look for good things in an adult child when they are at their worst? Can I be a. A person who doesn't react, but who responds?

And if I can be a responder instead of a reactor, I have the opportunity to create a bond with that adult child that says to the last breath of my body, I know that they will always love me in spite of what the choices that I've made. That, to me, is a gift that we can. That we have control over. Because the last thing I really believe is this.

Parenting is not about how my child turns out. Parenting is about how I show up in the relationship with that child throughout the course of their life. Parenting is about me, not about my child.

Katherine Hickam, psychotherapist, founder of Parenting Adult Children Today Lots of food for thought on a very important topic. Thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you.

To learn more about today's podcast guest topic as well as other parenting themes, visit whereparentstalk.com.