Significant shifts in the structure of family over several decades — from the traditional nuclear model to common law, blended, same-sex, single-parent, multi-generational, among others — has in many ways reshaped the definition of parenthood and parenting.
One of those areas has been the marked shift in single-child families.
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Welcome to where parents talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a social psychologist and author. Dr. Susan Newman is also a contributor to Psychology Today, a mother of one. And previously a stepmother of four. Dr. Newman is a leading expert on parenting only children. And she joins us today from New York. Thank you so much for taking the time.
Happy to be here.
Let’s start if we could with your current assessment of how society views parents have single children.
Completely different way than they did 10 years ago, 20 years ago and 30 years ago. At that point, even when I had my son, they said, You can’t do that to your child, your child has to have a sibling. And that has totally changed. At this point in time in 2024. We’ve moved to acceptance of the only child family. More and more people want an only child for assorted reasons. Only child families are not looked down upon. You’re not you. If you have one child, you are in fact a family. And that is different from you have to have a boy and you have to have a girl and live in a house with a white picket fence. Because that’s not reality anymore.
So what then are the key contributing factors to this transition and shift?
That transition comes from a host of factors. One being more and more women are working I think 70% of women who have children are working now. Before that they’re staying in school longer. Hence, women are starting their families much later, much, much later, it used to be 21. And now it’s mid 30s, late 30s, into the 40s and late 40s. So it’s just quite astounding a shift. And as a result of that a lot of women hit a fertility wall. And infertility is a huge mountain to climb. For a lot of women, it’s very expensive. So those are partial factors, then there’s the cost of raising children, which has skyrocketed. There is a complete breakdown of the childcare system. So that if you couldn’t find childcare as one person just told me, I pay more in childcare than I do my monthly mortgage. I mean, that’s how outrageous it’s become. So those are the primary factors. And what kicked them into even higher gear was the pandemic that brought a lot of people up short, worrying about job security. So that was an issue. And then we have climate change. And many people I spoke with for this new book I’m working on about only children and parenting them. In the course of interviewing for this new book,
climate change came up repeatedly. And people said things like, I don’t I’m not gonna bring a baby into this world. Who knows, you know, if we’re going to have the resources. So while we think that’s a light issue, it’s a much bigger issue. And there was a Swedish study that was done around climate change and the conclusion was the one thing you can do to help climate change is have one fewer child. So, I mean, those are the basic pretty much the basic reason we’ve seen this huge swing From child family, to what I’m calling the new normal, which is the only child family.
Certainly lots of societal factors and other trends impacting the current reality. You’ve been at the forefront of this area of research since the 1980s. Is there something in particular, Dr. Newman that has really surprised and struck you about these shifts and its transition.
There were so many surprising things. But what struck me the most was people are no longer apologizing for having one child. People don’t feel they have to defend their position, and the more the One Child Family has become accepted. The other big thing I found is that the One Child Family is becoming a dynasty. And it’s not just a one off one generation. My favorite interview was a woman who is there for generations of only children and her family. And as she says, it’s so good. Well, I mess it up. Why have another child, but the pattern has been with the people I’ve been talking to for the last two years, that one child is the way to go it they also feel it preserves their relationship with their partner or a spouse or a significant other, whatever you want to call that person. They focus on preserving their marriage and children are hard. Raising kids is not easy. And Pew Research pointed that out in one of their studies, I was kind of surprised by that. I never thought about it as hard, you kind of think about it as Oh, this is an ending.
So on that note, Dr. Newman, what would you say are some specific considerations that parents have only children need to consider as they embark on raising that Singleton?
Well, I think they have to consider not focusing all their attention on that child, not making that child the center of attention, putting boundaries in place, giving that child
responsibilities and chores.
And that one of the key things that parents of only children have to be aware of and make is to make a community for their kids. Be sure their children have friends are you asked me about surprising, surprising, this was surprising. A number of people call they’re good friends, a lot of them they’ve had for years and years and years, sisters and brothers. And one little girl called her dog her brother, oh, you got me a brother, and she got the dog. But having confidence and peers who people worry when they don’t have a second child that they’re not teaching their child skills, important skills that people used to think you could only get from siblings like sharing and being a good loser. And those kinds of things being respectful and empathetic. You learn all that when you’re out in in daycares, kindergarten school. So, you know, siblings are not essential. What’s essential is that parents raise their children and parents, you know, we talk about siblings, but it’s really parents who are the key teachers and you get siblings from in Skansen your child out in the world and not putting that child on a pedestal.
On that note, it would seem to be a large challenge to intentionally prevent that child from being the center of attention if, if he or she is an only child. So what tips and strategies can you share especially in the world we currently live in and this has been going on for the last several years. years of helicopter parenting, of over protecting when it comes to parenting, of trying to shield kids, you know, from an outside world that is increasingly volatile and unpredictable. And now you’ve got an only child. And in many cases, as a parent, you’re it if that child is your only child, so what can you offer from that perspective?
The biggest. And mind you easiest thing to do is pretend that you have four children. You know, I’m pretty objective, because I’ve done family both ways. And when I had my son, I said, Okay, would I clear the table? His dishes? Would I was talking about an older child, would I make sure his every minute is occupied. I mean, that’s a biggie for parents of only children, they really worry that their child’s alone too much. And that is not a long time, it’s good. That’s a plus. Because to teach his children how to be by themselves, which they are mature, as you grow up, you’re more and more yourself, and you need to entertain yourself and be happy with yourself. So that alone time has many, many benefits. And that’s definitely something you want to do give your child chores and expect them to be done. I mean, these all hinge on having more children in the house, don’t feel as if you have to be the perfect parent, that you have to do everything just right. And she the point you made earlier is this culture we live in of competitive parenting is super harmful. Stay out of it. You know, your Think of yourself, I’m good enough and good enough is good enough. And your child will thank you for not
hovering, making sure you your child’s homework is perfect. Kids learn from failure. And the tendency of only child parents is to step in and help out and you think because you have one that you can turn that child into a star. And that’s another point. I mean, this is probably true of a lot of parents, but it comes up more with only child parents. You’re trying to you have this notion in your head, even when the babies in the womb, and kicks you set up that’s gonna be a football player. Or reacts to music. Uh huh. I have a violin as you need to keep your expectations in check. And I might add lower them. But follow your child’s lead in what he wants, or she wants to do, and not what you thought that was going to be the path your child would take.
When you talk about ensuring that that child, the singleton has a community of some kind, how would you suggest a parent? And by the way, there are many single parents by choice of single children. That’s another category we should keep in mind. How can a parent go about creating that community in the absence of siblings for that child?
Oh, that was easy. I like that question.
Make sure for holidays, you’re with other people, but involve your child in giving activities. You know if you donate to an organization stead of just donating or going somewhere to help take your older child along with you. All these ways, you can do it through your religious organization. There are groups for single mothers. There are groups for parents of only children. But ask around in your community, you your parents. Parents build their child or their children’s worlds around their friends. So hook up with friends of yours who have children and doesn’t matter if they have an only child or three Children, I mean, a number of only children report. They’re visiting their friends who have siblings and they come home and go, that was so hard. There’s so much chaos in that house, I need to rest. But expose them to kids in as many ways as possible. And they will, as they get older build their own network. I mean, somebody told me that she’s so friendly with her neighborhood gang. And the gang consisted of her and another little girl the same age, and they used to parole the street in their diapers. And those that friendship lasted, they’re now adults, and they’re still friendly. These friends, think about who your friends are. And your closest confidant and who you trust. It’s not always the sibling. Siblings, I always like to say are not all they’re cracked up to be. If your sibling relationship is great, that’s a bonus. But there’s all kinds of rivalries, contentions, dealing with parental favoritism, that chips away at a sibling relationship, and the only child does not have to deal with any of that. They do not have to have their ego and self esteem knocked down on a daily basis. So you know, that’s something else, parents only chat, children, when it keep in mind, you know, you’ve got a calm, stable household, and you have a child, you know, a child who’s not going to feel terrible about herself.
You know, it’s so interesting, because as you’re talking, I’m thinking about the fact that while single child families are gaining an acceptance, as you’ve outlined, it almost sounds like what is also increasing is the potential pitfalls that they could find themselves in with all the external noise that you’ve outlined, as well. Is that an accurate assessment?
I’m not understanding their question. Okay.
Well, there’s lots of different external forces that intervene in parenting today. Is that more pronounced? If you have a family with one child?
Oh, I don’t think so. I think multiples child families have the same issues with let’s talk about digital access, you know, is screen time, you know, all parents are fighting that challenge. outside influences drugs, alcohol, the internet and what children are exposed to? That’s not a single parent issue and single child issue. That’s an issue across the board that all parents need to pay attention to.
Dr. Newman, what would you say about opportunities for single child families? What does that look like? Could you give us some examples?
Well, the opportunities come from the wheel a lot from the relationship they have with their parents, there is there are huge benefits that expand the opportunities, for example, because only children with adults more their vocabularies tend to be greater their verbal abilities tend to be greater. There’s a decided closeness, that gives an only child a sense of security when he or she goes out in the world. So and for only children, as they get older and older and go into the workforce. They have a confidence and it goes back to they haven’t been had their self esteem chipped away at and they’re more likely to be a team player, even though you would think the opposite. Because, you know, even as young children, they know their turn will always come and they don’t. If their parents are doing a good job. They don’t need to be center stage. So they make excellent employees.
That’s interesting. Now along that same line in that same vein, what would you say are some common myths about single child families that we you know, should correct and address Okay, the biggie is the stereotypes.
I mean, is the idea that only children are lonely, that they’re selfish, that they’re great aggressive, that they’re bossy. They don’t care about other people. That they’re essentially what China was calling decades ago, little emperors. None of that has held up to the new science. You know, in the 1896, I believe. A psychologist G Stanley Hall called being an only child and disease in itself. Well, it’s clearly not that. And, you know, study after study, hundreds of them have proven him otherwise. So the, your parents will say, My child, my only child’s not selfish, she’s willing to share all the time. And there are not lonely. I mean, the reality is, how can you be lonely in this digital age, you know, and if you look at the pandemic, all kids were locked up, and had to rely on what we’re doing back and forth.
So it just the myths haven’t held up to scrutiny at all. And people in general are not even commenting on them. I mean, it’s not something parents of only children have to worry about anymore. And what I’ve seen over the decades is that parents of one child have become intensely savvy about child rearing, and about the fact that they have one child, they need to get that child socialized early, and continue that. They understand that they’re not raising a many adult, that they don’t want to take that child to adult restaurants where the courses go on forever, or concerts that are endless, and way above their interest level. They realize that they need to keep their kid that kid. That’s, that’s the biggie.
Let’s talk a little bit more about the pandemic and its impact on single child families, you know, presumably during lockdowns, etc, you know, parents of single children, that was it, that family unit was it for that child, then you get back into going into school, again, going to school, again, in the social interaction and all the activities and things after, you know, in many cases, pretty much a two year cut off. What have you seen or, you know, through your research, have you been able to glean from the impact of that transition for single child families and in particular, the singleton going back into the world?
I think the adjustment what I’ve seen is the adjustment has been difficult across the board. I did not see a market difference between having one child are three children in the house. What I did see is that many parents, after the pandemic are gun shy about having a second child that was that was to me was the most obvious and biggest impact in children and just, you know, no matter you know, they just got to go with the flow at some point. Not all because, yes, we have increased depression and anxiety among teenagers from the pandemic, but essentially, they bounce back I think, what I didn’t see a difference between one child or two or three in going back out, and going back out was scary for everybody.
Absolutely. Dr. Newman, what would you offer? Or could you offer as tips or strategies for a couple, let’s say both of whom came from families with siblings, who now have intentionally chosen to have only one child? What would you suggest their starting point
be in terms of laying a solid foundation for themselves as parents of this single child
Think of think of yourselves as far more important than having another child and a sibling in the house because you as I said earlier are the best teachers and Just go forward. Don’t worry about being a perfect parent, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, you may feel because you have one child, you need to do a better job. And you can do a more efficient job because you have more resources, and more time, but that’s not necessarily true. And I go back to my favorite is, pretend you have four kids in that house, and how would you handle them? And be realistic, lower your expectations? Only children know that the pressure is on them that they have the only report card coming home? Or are they the only one on the Little League team or the soccer team, who’s going to score points and make goals. So you know, that’s important and have fun, I think, enjoy each first and last. And one mother said, I’m really good with having raised my child, I don’t need to repeat any of the stages. I stayed focused, I stayed absolutely focused on each stage, and got really into it. And so I’m good with one and the rest of the world. If you look at the EU, 49% of the countries in the EU, have one child. I mean, that’s amazing. And, you know, if we follow European countries, were well on our way a city like Seattle has 47% of families with one child, major metropolitan areas, the number keeps growing and growing. So you know, the only child family is the fastest growing family unit, according to Gallup and pew and all the other mega research companies. So parents of only children should be rejoicing, they’re in with the crowd.
Dr. Newman another aspect of your story that is really quite interesting, in addition to this area of study, is your lived experience and how you entered this whole world of, of single children. You were a step mother of four first, before becoming a mother of one. What did that trajectory teach you about becoming or being a mother of a singleton?
Well, it taught me that I couldn’t let him be the rising star in the family, that he had to be part of a family he had to contribute. He had to learn how to do dishes. As soon as he got old enough. He learned how to do laundry. And, interestingly, we sent him to camp where you had to do your own laundry at one point. And he was so proud of himself. He said, I don’t have to teach my friend how to do laundry. I don’t know what’s wrong with his mother. And that particular child had two other siblings and none of those kids could do laundry. So he, you kids liked that responsibility, even though they complain, they feel they’re contributing to the family and they’re proud of themselves when they can accomplish something. I also learn that I had to tell people not to bring something for my son every time they visited that I don’t like him looking down to see if everybody has a shopping bag. When they visit, I put restraints on the grandparents in the gift department. So these were all things I learned I was very big on sharing. And if there was one piece of cake left, I said, we’re going to share that each person is going to get a third of that piece. You just all those things you would do normally if you had siblings, you have to clean up your toys. You know, as a parent of one, it’s much easier to pick up your kids dirty clothes, to do the dishes to You sweep the front walk, whatever the chores are at your house. But it does not help your child if you do that. It does not build any kind of resilience. And I also learned you can do homework for for children. You know, let your only child, do His own work, fail and learn when he needs to learn. Don’t step in this goes back to the point of helicopter parenting. Don’t pick them up when he’s learning to walk. Let him get himself up. And that just goes on, you know, don’t go into fear in his disagreements with friends, unless, of course, it’s a safety issue. But step back and let him build his own resilience by taking care of himself. Rather than you as the parent of one. It’s so easy. And it’s not as easy to do that when you have more kids, although there’s a lot of helicopter parents in all family sizes today.
As you’ve outlined, we’ve come a long way in terms of acceptance and awareness of single child families. What more, if anything, would you like to see happening in that realm in general, from your perspective, as a researcher, as an author, as a, you know, a previous step mother and as a mother of a single child yourself, what more needs to be done?
Well, there are a few stragglers who is still judgmental. We need to abandon those people. And
parents of one still need to toughen up and not be influenced by those judgmental people realize that they’re living in the dark ages, they don’t understand that. The new science says the only child family is literally taking over.
And that large families will be in the minority. I mean, large, large families already are. Because the expenses ridiculous, you know, it’s just too hard. And that’s, I think I keep going back to your gun, enough parent, and you are a family. Whether you have one, five or six children, there is no science out there that proves one family size is better than another doesn’t exist. You have to do what feels good to you. What makes you feel complete, and take take care of yourself because the best parents are parents who know what they want or explore what they want. They take care of themselves, they block out time for themselves. Because if you’re a happy parent, you’re going to have a happy child.
Lots of wonderful food for thought Dr. Susan Newman, social psychologist, author, thank you so much for sharing your time and your insight with us today.
Thank you
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A Paradigm Shift in Perceptions
Not long ago, the idea of having only one child was often met with judgment. Parents were warned, “You can’t do that to your child; they need a sibling.”
But, as Dr. Susan Newman explains in an interview with Lianne Castelino of whereparentstalk.stagingserver.cloud/, times have changed. "In 2024, we've moved to acceptance of the only-child family,” she says. “More and more people are choosing this path for a variety of reasons, and society has embraced the notion that a family of three is, indeed, a family."
This shift is driven by a combination of societal, economic, and environmental factors. Women are delaying parenthood to focus on education and careers, and fertility challenges associated with later pregnancies often result in families having just one child. The high cost of raising children, coupled with the breakdown of affordable childcare systems, has made larger families less feasible for many.
Environmental concerns also play a role. “Climate change repeatedly came up in my interviews,” said Dr. Newman, a social psychologist says, referring to her research on the topic. “Many people feel that bringing fewer children into the world is a responsible choice. A Swedish study even concluded that having fewer children is one of the most impactful ways to combat climate change.”
Breaking Down Myths
Single children have long been saddled with stereotypes: selfish, lonely, bossy, or overly dependent. These notions have been debunked by modern research. “Studies consistently show that only children are no different from their peers with siblings in terms of social and emotional development,” Dr. Newman noted.
The unique dynamic of an only-child household offers distinct advantages, she says. Children in these families often have a closer bond with their parents, benefit from greater financial and emotional resources, and develop strong verbal and cognitive skills from frequent interactions with adults.
Raising a Singleton: Challenges and Strategies
Parenting an only child, however, comes with its own set of challenges. One common concern is the risk of over-parenting, or making the child the centre of attention. Dr. Newman advises parents to avoid this trap by maintaining realistic expectations and fostering independence.
“Treat your child as if you have four kids,” she suggested. “Would you clear the table for all of them? Would you micromanage their every activity? Probably not. Alone time is good for children—it teaches them self-reliance and creativity.”
Herself the parent of a singleton, Dr. Newman emphasizes the importance of building a community for an only child. “Encourage friendships by arranging playdates, joining community groups, or engaging in shared activities. Many only children develop ‘chosen siblings’ through close friendships, and those bonds can be as strong and lasting as family ties.”
Opportunities for Only-Child Families
Despite the challenges, single-child families offer unique opportunities. “Only children often excel in school and the workplace because they’re used to being heard and collaborating with adults,” Dr. Newman explains. “They tend to be confident and well-rounded individuals, capable of thriving in team environments.”
Additionally, the financial flexibility of raising one child can allow parents to provide enriching experiences, from extracurricular activities to family vacations, fostering a well-rounded upbringing.
Personal Insights and Reflections
Dr. Newman’s expertise is informed not only by her research but also by her lived experience. As a former stepmother to four children and mother to one, she has navigated the complexities of different family dynamics.
“I learned that an only child should contribute to the family just as siblings would,” she shared. “My son had chores, learned independence, and developed resilience through his own efforts. It’s essential not to coddle or overcompensate because you have just one child.”
The Future of Single-Child Families
Single-child families are on the rise globally, particularly in urban areas where space, cost, and lifestyle considerations come into play. In cities like Seattle, nearly half of all families have just one child.
“The only-child family is the fastest-growing family unit,” Dr. Newman noted, citing research from Gallup and Pew. “Parents of one child should feel confident and celebrate their choice. They’re in good company.”
As society continues to embrace diverse family structures, Dr. Newman calls for an end to judgment and a recognition of the strengths of single-child households. “The science is clear,” she said. “Only-child families are thriving, and parents have nothing to apologize for.”
For those raising an only child, her advice: “Focus on raising a well-rounded, independent individual, and trust in your ability to create a loving and supportive family environment—whether you have one child or many.”