Parenting isn’t supposed to feel this hard. “The catalyst was certainly my daughter,” recalls Hunter Clarke-Fields of that time more than a 15 years earlier when her daughter was a toddler.
“She was the catalyst for my temper, which was the real driver,” Clarke-Fields told Lianne Castelino during an interview for Where Parents Talk. “If she had big upset feelings, she had a tantrum, it would trigger a mommy tantrum. She was very highly sensitive and you know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
The constant tantrums, tears, and sleepless nights weren’t just exhausting—they triggered a deep, painful realization for Clarke-Fields: she was becoming the kind of parent she had long feared. Haunted by memories of her own childhood filled with anger and fear, she found herself caught in a cycle she desperately wanted to break. What saved her wasn’t another parenting book or quick fix—it was mindfulness, a practice that transformed her chaos into calm and reshaped her relationship with her children forever.
Clarke-Fields is an author, mindfulness mentor, podcaster, and mother of two teenage girls. Her journey into mindful parenting began not from peace, but from a personal crisis. “I remember hearing her crying in her room, me crying outside of her room, just feeling like, ‘Oh my gosh, something has to change,’” she recalls of her oldest daughter’s toddler years. “It was incredibly shame-inducing… because this was exactly how I didn’t want to parent.”
What made it so painful was the reflection of her own childhood. “My father had a rage when I was a kid,” she explains. “He’s a loving person in many ways, but I remember cowering behind a door, scared of him. And here I was… repeating that cycle.” That awareness became her wake-up call.
Despite reading books and listening to parenting coaches, Clarke-Fields struggled to implement their advice in the heat of the moment. She realized that to change, she needed to calm herself first. “I realized, oh, I need to go back to these mindfulness practices… I needed those to help calm my reactivity,” she says. “To have any chance of being able to improve this situation, I needed to calm myself.”
Mindfulness? How It is Different from Meditation
“Mindfulness is making a choice to put your attention into what’s happening in the present moment—and very crucially—with an attitude of kindness and curiosity,” Clarke-Fields explains. “You can practice mindfulness anytime—whether you’re listening to your child, doing the dishes, or walking to school.” Meditation is just one way to build that muscle of awareness. “It doesn’t mean stopping your thoughts or erasing them. It just means being aware and choosing to come back to the present moment.”
In a world dominated by digital distractions, endless to-do lists, and parental guilt, slowing down and being truly present with our children is a radical act. “Our kids really sense the difference,” she says. “The best gift we can give them is our presence. There’s a quote I love by Thich Nhat Hanh: ‘When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?’”
Mindful Parenting in Action
Parenting is tough. When children get upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed, staying calm can feel impossible. But faking calm only leads to more tension. Clarke-Fields advises, true mindful parenting means recognizing your feelings, stepping back when needed, and using simple tools to calm your nervous system. Here are her top three tips:
1. Name What You’re Feeling — Out Loud
“Say out loud, ‘I’m feeling frustrated.’ That’s a win,” Clarke-Fields says. Naming your emotions—what clinical psychologist Dan Siegel calls “name entertainment”—lowers the temperature in the moment. It helps your child understand what’s happening and models emotional intelligence. “When kids see you say, ‘I’m frustrated,’ they learn that it’s okay to feel that way—and how to express those feelings.”
This is what Clarke-Fields calls a “bell of mindfulness” — a signal to pause and care for your nervous system before emotions spiral. When triggered, our bodies enter fight, flight, or freeze mode, hijacking rational responses.
2. Take Space When You Need It
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to say, “I need a minute,” and step away. “It’s better to take a break than to scream,” Clarke-Fields reminds us.
Taking space isn’t giving up—it’s self-care and a model for kids on healthy emotional boundaries. “You don’t have to be perfectly calm all the time. You have permission to be human.”
3. Use Simple Tools to Calm Your Nervous System
Breathing deeply works because it activates the body’s natural reset. Hunter recommends breathing in for four counts, then exhaling slowly for six. “Just a few breaths can bring your whole brain back online—enabling you to think clearly, problem-solve, and communicate better with your child.”
Other helpful tools include shaking out your hands or shoulders, drinking water, or silently repeating calming mantras like “This is not an emergency” or “I’m helping my child.”
Supporting Your Child’s Big Emotions — Listen Without Fixing
When your child is overwhelmed—whether with tantrums, resistance, or teenage meltdowns—the most important thing is to be present, not reactive. “Kids want to be seen and heard,” Hunter emphasizes. “It’s frustrating when adults dismiss feelings with phrases like ‘You’re fine’ or jump straight to solutions.” Instead, listen with curiosity, even if there’s nothing to fix. “Difficult feelings are like toddlers clinging to your pant leg, demanding, ‘See me, hear me.’ They won’t go away until you do.”
Reflect your child’s feelings back with empathy: “You’re really upset,” or “That sounds frustrating.” This helps them feel safe and understood.
Making Mindfulness Work in Real Life
Clarke-Fields admits mindfulness isn’t always easy amid life’s chaos. The trick? Start small. Even one minute of mindful breathing after brushing your teeth can build the habit. Tie mindfulness to everyday routines, and give yourself grace. “We think, ‘When I finish this one last thing, I’ll finally relax,’” she says. “But if we’re always practicing go-go-go, we’re training our brains not to relax.”
Slowing down isn’t an extra chore—it actually creates more time by helping you focus and single-task.
The Big Payoff: Connection and Joy
Mindful parenting isn’t just about managing the tough moments—it’s about being fully present for the sweet, everyday ones. Clarke-Fields shares how mindfulness helped her have open, honest conversations with her daughters—even about challenging topics like sex—with more ease and connection. “It helps you be less distracted in all these moments because, as we know, it goes by so fast,” she says. “We have 18 summers with our kids.”
Be Patient and Kind with Yourself
Parenting is messy and imperfect. Hunter’s gentle reminder is this: You don’t have to fake calm or have it all figured out. Instead, recognize your emotions, take breaks when needed, and use simple tools to come back to yourself. “We’re always practicing something,” she says. “So why not practice being the parent you want to be?”
Ready to begin? Try this now: inhale for 4, exhale for 6. Notice the difference. Imagine how much more peaceful your home—and your heart—could be when you teach your kids that it’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to pause.
Related links:
mindfulmamamentor.com
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The Connected Parenting Approach