High-Achieving Parenting-

You want the best for your kids. You want them to feel capable, confident, and happy. But what happens when your own drive to achieve — to be the “best parent” — starts creating the very pressure you’re trying to protect your child from?

That’s the question Kate Kripke, licensed clinical social worker, certified perinatal mental health counsellor, and mother of two teenagers unpacks with Lianne Castelino during an interview for Where Parents Talk.

Kripke’s message is clear — and relatable for today’s parents: “High-achieving parents are those of us who set our sights on reaching our goals above and beyond everything else,” she says. “We’ll do whatever we can to meet them — even if that effort gets in the way of how we want to feel.”

It’s a wake-up call for parents everywhere: the pressure to achieve doesn’t stop at the office or school. It follows you home, straight into your parenting.

When Success Defines Self-Worth

High-achieving parents often hold themselves — and their children — to impossibly high standards. “It’s not just about ambition,” Kripke explains. “It’s about where we anchor our self-worth. If my achievements define whether I feel good about myself, I’m going to bring that same mindset into my parenting.”

And children, she says, absorb that energy like sponges.

“Our deep, often hidden beliefs — ‘What if I’m not good enough?’ ‘What if I fail?’ — get projected onto our kids. How we feel about ourselves is how we’ll feel about our children. And how we feel about our children becomes how they feel about themselves.”

That realization, she says, is both painful and freeing — because it gives parents the power to change the story.

The Trap of “Doing It All”

In today’s hyper-connected, hyper-competitive world, the message to parents is relentless: Do more. Be more. Fix everything.

Kripke knows that mindset well. “I’m a born high achiever,” she admits. “When my kids were little, I tried to do everything perfectly — raise perfect humans, be the perfect mom. But the truth is, we can’t turn that part of ourselves off.”

Instead, she suggests getting curious about how the drive to “do it all” affects our well-being.

“Ask yourself: What’s not working for me right now? How am I feeling — and how do I want to feel? That’s a much braver question than, ‘What do I need to do?’”

It’s a small but powerful shift — from performance to presence.

The Power of Emotional Honesty

Many parents believe hiding their stress protects their kids. Kripke says it actually does the opposite.

“Our children feel what we feel — through our tone of voice, our posture, even the temperature of our skin,” she explains.

“When we tell them, ‘I’m fine,’ while we’re clearly not, we teach them two things: that uncomfortable feelings are bad, and that they shouldn’t trust their instincts.”

Her advice? Don’t fake it.

“If your child says, ‘Mom, are you sad?’ the best thing you can do is say, ‘Yes, I am — and here’s what I’m doing to take care of myself.’ That teaches them resilience and self-trust.”

The Three Cs: A Parent’s Guide to Calming Chaos

When emotions run high — whether it’s your child’s tantrum or your own frustration — Kripke offers a practical, science-backed roadmap she calls The Three Cs:

Curiosity — “Ask, ‘What am I feeling in my body?’ My jaw is clenched, my chest feels tight — that’s frustration or fear. Feelings aren’t the enemy; they’re information.”
Compassion — “Meet yourself where you are. Of course I feel this way — my child isn’t listening, I’m exhausted, this is hard. That’s not weakness; that’s being human.”
Choice — “Once we’ve named and accepted the feeling, we can ask, ‘How do I want to feel?’ Then take one small action that moves you closer to calm — a breath, a step outside, a hug, a pause.”

And if you’re thinking you don’t have time for that — Kripke understands. “The irony,” she says, “is that when we take the time to slow down, everything afterward moves more easily.”

From Performance to Presence

Through years of helping mothers, Kripke has seen a pattern: burnout disguised as productivity.

“Moms come to me saying, ‘I don’t have time to take care of myself,’” she says. “They’re doing everything for everyone — but missing the point that we can’t show up for our kids the way we want to if we’re running on empty.”

Instead of aiming for perfect, she suggests asking: What message do I want my child to receive about what it means to be human?

Because resilience, she reminds us, doesn’t come from comfort — it comes from challenge. “We forget that raising emotionally healthy kids means allowing them to feel hard things,” she says. “And to do that, we have to learn to sit with our own.”

The Most Empowering Truth

Kripke leaves parents with one insight she calls “the most painful — and the most freeing”:

“How I feel about myself is how I will feel about my child. And how I feel about my child is how they will feel about themselves.”

When she began to notice her own daughters trying to make her feel okay, Kripke says, “I realized I was unintentionally passing down the same anxiety I grew up with. Once I learned to believe I was enough — even when things weren’t perfect — everything changed.”