From Loneliness to Connection: Helping Teens Navigate Social Media, Mental Health, and Emotional Well-Being

Welcome to the Where Parents Talk podcast. We help grow better parents through science. Evidence, and the lived experience of other parents. Learn how to better navigate the mental and physical health of your tween teen.

Or young adult through proven expert advice. Here's your host, Lianne Castelino.

Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Leanne Castalino.

Our guest today is the Director of Research and Evaluation at Making Caring Common, based at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Malena Batanova is a PhD in Health Behavior and health education.

She designs and deploys studies aimed at understanding the role that caring plays in today's world and gauges the effectiveness of caring strategies developed for parents and educators. Melena is also a mother of one, and she joins us today from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Thank you so much for being here.

Hi. Thanks so much for having me.

Yeah, thanks for that question.

Maybe it's unsurprising that the vast majority of adolescents reported achievement or happiness, but the interesting thing was that they also surveyed parents and they asked parents what they prioritized for their children. Parents said caring or happiness.

So there was a really clear disconnect in the signals or the messages that young people were actually picking up from parents and what parents thought they were modeling. So that sparked us on our journey.

Why do you think that disconnect existed?

I think, you know, I mean, we see it in our research that there's a disconnect between parents and young people all the time. And there's miscommunication, there's lack of attunement, you know, parents thinking that they really know their kids, but they don't.

In a recent, another recent survey we did, for example, we asked, we asked teens whether they would, you know, who they would go to for mental health support. It was really interesting that they picked friends overwhelmingly over parents. Only, like 30% or so picked parents.

And when we asked them why they wouldn't go to their parents, they said the parents would either not understand what they're actually going through or they would try to fix their problems and not really empathize or listen. So I do think there's that huge disconnection piece of miscommunication.

But I also think, you know, as parents, and I see this a lot in general, whether, you know, it's things that I'm reading or hearing, but in my own life, right, with friends and different communities, I do think there is a huge achievement pressure. There is just this constant pressure to succeed and to be the best or to be really good at something.

I think we feel it as parents, and so therefore we impart it on our children.

It's a huge topic with lots of layers, certainly when you talk about the achievement culture and toxic achievement, as it's also been referred to.

But getting back to the caring piece and the making common good a priority piece, how does that link that pursuit of the common good and of more caring, how does that link to the epidemic of loneliness among young people in particular that we continue to see?

Yeah, that's a really good question. I'm not sure, you know, I really, I'm not sure we know enough to answer that question.

On one hand, I think some people can be lonely because they care so deeply for others and they try to do good, yet they feel like they live in a world where other people don't care or others don't seem to care. But on the other hand, we know that doing good and pro social behavior in general is so good for us. Right.

There's so much research and science to show to demonstrate that doing good is good for our health. So, yeah, it's tricky.

In a recent, so we did, you know, we had a recent survey on loneliness, and I recall that we found up to 80, almost 80% of Americans said they want to do good work that helps others, but we didn't see a difference for people who said they were lonely versus not. So I don't quite know how that translates to young people, but it was really interesting that we found that in adults. Right.

But I also think that there's a huge distinction between wanting to do good work and wanting to help others versus actually doing it right. So I, I definitely want to look into that more.

So let's talk about that recent survey that you did with respect to making caring common on the topic of loneliness. So let's start, Milena, if you don't mind, by having you define loneliness.

Sure. Yeah.

So it's commonly defined as the perceived gap between one's desired and one's act relationships and the negative feelings that come from that, it's really important to know that unlike actual isolation, which is objective, loneliness has also been defined as subjective social isolation, or the perception that one is isolated from something or someone. So it really is about perception. Um, and I really like Renee Brown's definition because it's, you know, it's just so real.

She basically defines loneliness as this really awful, painful feeling of not belonging. Yeah, I think those are the main definitions.

Well, and building on that, it may surprise our listeners and our viewers to learn that there are different types of loneliness within what you've just described. Could you take us through that?

Yeah, sure. So there's social or relational loneliness, which basically asks the question, do you have communities or groups that you feel a part of?

There's emotional or intimate loneliness where we would ask, do you have emotional support from someone significant or important in your life?

And then there's also, I think, what's very largely overlooked is existential or sometimes referred to as collective loneliness, which really gets at. Do you feel a sense of connectedness or togetherness with others or with the wider world?

And so if you answer no to any one of those questions and you answer no quite regularly, then you'd most. You're most likely lonely in one of those dimensions. And clearly, if you answer no across all those types, you're probably at heightened risk. Right.

For. For loneliness.

And I don't know if you want me to speak to our recent data, because we actually did look at this, and I was really excited to do this because it seems like in the literature there's a lot of talk about these different types of loneliness, but they don't seem to be explored at least quantitative. Quantitatively as much. We have a lot of cool qualitative research, right.

Asking people about their experiences of loneliness and meanings of loneliness. But on a national level, I didn't think. I. I wasn't seeing as much data on it.

And so I was really excited that we were able to partner, you know, Capita, this awesome think tank that funded our study. We were able to then work with YouGov, which is a research analytics group, right, to survey adults nationally across America. And instead of we.

We asked them whether they're lonely, but we also asked them these different types of questions, right, to get at the dimensions or types of loneliness. And I think it was something like eight questions total or so. And I was really interesting, you know, from a. From a data person to see that. Oh, okay.

The. The. Our data did load onto what we call, like, two factors or two types, so social, emotional and Existential.

So the data kind of panned out right from what we knew in the literature. And we found basically about 35% of adults that they lack meaningful groups or community. In America, that was the most cited type of loneliness.

25% or so said they don't have enough close friends or family. This was actually higher in parents. 30% of parents said that.

And I thought it was really alarming that we had about a quarter of adults saying that their place in the world does not feel important. And again, this was higher for parents at about 30%, just to give you some examples.

Yeah, no, those are really interesting numbers and statistics.

So as a researcher, as somebody who's on the front lines of, you know, extrapolating and looking at this data, like what do you take away from those kinds of numbers, particularly as they are higher in the parent group, as you pointed out?

Yeah, I mean, we're in a crisis of social connection. We really are. You know, I know that we ourselves have used the term epidemic.

I will say though, as I dig more and more into the research, the data, past studies, it's actually really hard to find trend data over time. Right. Because an epidemic means there's some sort of sudden surge of disease or health related behavior. And I'm not sure we're totally seeing that.

We did see that, unsurprisingly, during COVID Right. Like we did. That was our very first study on loneliness.

And that's kind of what started our interest in this area where we found, I mean, it was something like 36% of adults reported loneliness. Just recently we found it was 21%. But we're using different, different data sources. Right. So I do have to caveat with that.

But during the pandemic, we also found that something like 61% of adult young adults were reporting loneliness and 51% of moms of young kids, you know, and you know, it was Covid. Right. And it was at the peak and height of COVID So that's probably not surprising.

But the fact that we're still seeing, you know, maybe not as high, but high numbers of loneliness and across the board and in different populations is really concerning. And I think with parenting, you know, we did ask in that. In a re.

In the recent survey we did on loneliness, we also asked parents what contributes to their stressors. And I think I believe number one was being really busy and doing too much. And I think the second most cited was marital. Marital issues.

Marital relational problems.

So building on that, then, what have you been able to discern are some of the root causes of loneliness among kids and young people today.

Yeah, I wish we. I would love to do more research in this area. I just noticed that the uk, you know, the UK has a lot of great research in this.

They just came out with a paper asking adolescents what causes loneliness and what youth services can help prevent it. And the two most cited things were personal experiences like low confidence, negative emotions, poor communication, but also society. Right.

And especially a mismatch between the personal or interpersonal skills and context.

So even if you might feel, you know, even if you might feel confident or good with yourself, if you're constantly being excluded, or if you're constantly facing some external stressors, certainly that's a recipe for loneliness. When they were asked what would prevent it, a lot of them pointed to self and interpersonal skill development, which is not surprising.

In the recent survey on loneliness we did, sadly, we don't have teen data, but we have data from young adults. It is interesting that, yes, many do point out to solutions like loving myself. That's actually very, it's in the top, top three.

Loving myself, learning how to be more positive or not assume the negative in people, learning to be more forgiving of others. Right. All these.

So not just like your traditional mental health type skills, but also I would, I would say, you know, deeper, very profound virtue type skills.

And I do want to point out, though, that we did do a bigger national study with teens a few years ago, and even though we didn't really zoom in on loneliness because it was a broader study on mental health, but we, we did ask teens what contributes negatively to their negative mental health.

And again, achievement pressure was at the top 30% of teens cited achievement pressure followed by the sense that things are just falling apart, lacking skills or talents and financial worries.

So, yeah, so those I would say are, you know, I don't know if we can label them root causes, but they're certainly perceived drivers of loneliness and mental health issues.

In the us though it did exist at the time.

But just as recently as a couple of years ago, if not last year, the US Surgeon General recognized social isolation and loneliness as A growing health epidemic, likening it to, and I quote, associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Now, when you first heard that, that Melena, in terms of what you do as your profession, what was your reaction?

Honestly, I thought about some loved ones who smoke a lot and who probably were or are lonely and how amazing it is that they're still around. Honestly, I felt, I felt like some relief and gratitude and then I felt deep concern. Right. And, and worry that they might not be around much longer.

But yeah, it, it, I think it's fascinating research.

So from the researcher in me, I was just so floored but oh, so grateful to have that data and hopefully it sparks more and more conversation about this really huge public health issue.

So for the average parent who's living in a time where we've never had more access to different communications tools, platforms, vehicles, we can be connected all the time, every day, forever, if we so choose.

The idea that we are living through this public health crisis and this epidemic of loneliness and social isolation, especially among young people, just doesn't seem to make sense. So, you know, how do you make sense of that?

And I guess with respect to the example of the 15 cigarettes a day, like how would you try to explain to the average person how loneliness and isolation can reduce the lifespan of an individual potentially?

That's a great question. I think it's good, I think that's a really good question for a very savvy communicator like someone who works in marketing and public health.

I think the question of, I think it was about technology, right, or platform, and how it is that we're experiencing so much loneliness at such a time of supposed connection. I actually think it's not so surprising, right, because it or it feel it's paradoxical, right?

These things are supposed to really connect us and yet we're feeling more and more disconnected. And I think it's because of really genuine loss of time, motivation and skills.

So what I mean by that is I think, you know, we know from so much research and data that there does appear to be a decline in socializing time. Like some.

I think an author from the Atlantic wrote about this and I think called it a ritual, the hangout recession or something like that, where we are not really making enough time to really be together, especially in person. There is so much to gain from in person interactions, right?

The eye contact, the body language, just like the, what it, what proximity can do to attunement is huge. So I think that's A big part of it, I think. Motivation, right?

I think the more time was spent with technologies, the, the easier it is to kind of fall into that rabbit hole and just, just prefer that right over again.

Making the effort to get out there and make time and skills, you know, And I say this about skills being lost because we see it repeatedly in our data, right? People reporting, like the data I think I just cited about teens, right. Feeling like they don't have skills or talents.

I've done focus groups with teens and they tell me that they truly feel like since the pandemic, they are simply not the same.

They don't know how to connect and everything feels really awkward, awkward interpersonally, that it's just easier to connect over text than it is in person. But it's interesting because many of them also say they want to, right?

But going back to that achievement pressure, they then blame all the stress and pressure put on them to be the best to get the best grades, to get into the right college.

And with how much college costs these days, there is a really genuine financial worry, right, that if you don't make the right decision, the right choice, you are going to be in debt forever. And so I think all those things are really. Yeah, they're weighing, they're weighing on people and our young people in particular.

And a lot of what you've just described having done interviews with different experts who've talked about this.

Those items are often channeled through the parent onto the child, whether knowingly or unknowingly, adding even more pressure to an already pressure filled environment.

Melena, when we look at this as parents, this whole question of loneliness and isolation and the pandemic and the pre and the post and all of that, like for parents listening to or watching this interview, how can they proactively address a potential loneliness issue with their own children?

I think there's several key ways. I'm sure there's a lot, but I think there's several that really come to mind. One is to really look for the signs, right?

Because we see that loneliness is often inner connected with anxiety or symptoms of anxiety and depression. I think there are signs to look for, like if, you know, if, if your kid is more withdrawn than usual, right?

If they seem more despondent or, or upset or sad about something and it's prolonged, or if they're just really stressed out a lot of the time, I think pay attention to that and talk about it, right? Like really get to know your kid.

Prompt conversation especially to really understand their relationships and how they're feeling about, you know, their friendships, their teachers, their coaches, how they're feeling in general. And like, I meant, you know, I already mentioned that data point, right? About so few teens feeling like they can go to. Go to parents for support.

And why that is, a lot of it is because they think parents either won't understand them or will just try to fix their problems and not really empathize. And this, you know, this is really a hard skill. Like empathy just. I think it's so under. It's so underestimated just how important empathy is.

This idea that it's not about you, it's about them, right? It's about your kid. It's about what's going on in their world. So really try to listen, avoid judgment, and try to understand.

And I think what that really means is don't, you know, oftentimes we use the phrase, like, put yourself in their shoes. We. You can't do that. We can't ever walk in anyone's shoes. We don't know what their experience is, but we can walk along alongside them, right?

And I think that's so important to remember to walk alongside and show interest, like, genuine interest and wanting to understand. And I think that's what a lot of our kids are. I think that's what a lot of them are hoping for or asking for.

And then, of course, you know, like, we've talked about looking at ourselves, right? What. What are we modeling? Like, what are we. What messages are we giving to our kiddos? Are we pressuring them too much?

Are we signing them up for too many activities? Are we focusing more on. On ourselves, too, right? So much so that we are forgetting them and, like, what quality time means.

And that can be so tough because I think, you know, most of us parents mean well, right? We all have such good intentions. I know. I feel this sometimes, you know, when I get. I work a lot, and I can sometimes feel really guilty about that.

And especially when my kid is at home and I'm still working or on my phone. I really appreciate that. He now calls me out. He's only five. Five years old, but he will say, mom, you're on your phone.

We don't do phones when we're at the table. And I'm like, you know what? You're right. Thank you for. Thank you for pointing that out. And I put it away.

So it's also, I guess, about, like, our own growth, right? Like, being able to take that criticism and remember what really matters. And it really is about social connection.

What, in your Estimation more. What more needs to be done more broadly, societally to address social isolation and loneliness, particularly among kids and youth.

So much. I mean, there's so much to say about this topic. There are three things in particular that we have written about and that we talk about a lot.

The first is building social infrastructure and what that means, right? That could include anything physical in our environment. So our libraries, our parks, how are they set up? Right? Are they walkable? Are they accessible?

Programs, what's out there, what's available? And policies, right? What policies exist to support our social connections?

So I think for schools this is clearly, you know, really relevant and important to think about how things are set up physically, to think about the services and programs that are available and, and yeah, and to think about policies and how they shape culture, especially if they're equitable or not. So that's one example. Another is public education.

We talk a lot about the need for better, better and more public education campaigns, strategies, right?

Like making practical, relevant, culturally attuned strategies for combating loneliness and you know, any mental health struggles we might have, again, because of that link between loneliness and mental health, I think just making them so much more known, like accessible and widely spread. And, and they have to be relatable, right? They have to meet people where they're at and be simple enough to digest but comprehensive and rich enough.

Right. To really get at the issues. And ultimately we need a huge culture shift.

I mean, we really need to get away from, I think we're still unfortunately, right, prioritizing achievement, superficial happiness, hyper individualism. I mean, these are also things cited by, you know, adult respondents in our surveys. They are cited as reasons for loneliness.

So I think, yeah, we need a lot of communities, institutions, individuals, you know, coming together to reshape culture so that it is more focused on togetherness and some common humanity than it is about like individual success and progress.

You mentioned your 5 year old son and I wonder, you know, given what you do, given the data that you're in front of, given the people that you meet in your profession, is there anything that has struck you in particular about the topic of caring, the common good or the loneliness piece that we're talking about now in particular that has impacted how you parent?

Such a good question. Honestly, I have to go back to just how toxic the achievement pressure is. That, that is just. I think it's a really big piece of the problem.

And I say that because those focus groups. So I did focus groups with teens just a month or two ago and there were teens from different communities, rural, suburban, urban.

And it was just overwhelming how much they talked about the pressure that they feel to be worthy. And they attach worth to material success and value. And to my surprise, they mentioned social media.

You know, social media is obviously part of the problem. The things that they see, you know, the constant messaging around success and people sharing all their success stories don't help.

But it was very interesting that they acknowledged they really seem to think to talk a lot more about adults, about the adults in their lives, whether it be teachers or parents. So that really struck with. That struck a chord with me, right, As a parent. I was like, oh my, am I, am I already part of this problem? Right?

Like, I just signed my kid up for three activities because it's winter here in Boston and, you know, we need some things to do. And I had to re examine and think, okay, is this too much? Is this going to stress him out? Does he really need all that?

And yeah, you know, like, he's happy with all those activities. He's well functioning, so I'm keeping them.

But it reminded me to make sure to have those conversations, to not overdo it, to talk more about other things, right. Besides, hey, how'd you do at school? Or, wow, you're so good at that.

We talk a lot about friends and family and even strangers, you know, doing good for people, how they're feeling, why someone might be alone on the street, you know, things like that. So, yeah, it was just those focus groups, really.

They lit something in me to, to remember that what's most important is making sure, like, we feel good and that our kids feel good not because of their material successes or achievements, but because of who we are. Right. And who they are. And then the rest will come.

Those successes will come, but I certainly don't want that to be the focus of our relationship and what we care about.

Such a lot of critical food for thought that you've provided with us today.

Melena Batanova of the Making Caring Common Project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, thank you so much for your time and your perspective today. We really appreciate it.

Oh, thank you so much.

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